Sometimes, at times.

Sometimes, I lie, on my stomach with my knees bent, feet crossed on my bed in my top floor studio apartment and wonder how I got here. To this point. To the brink of complete happiness.

Sometimes I wish I could write as earnestly as Jessica Roy, or with as much honesty and hope as Adam Jackson.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have been so selfish in college. Instead, having suppressed my desire for singledom and allowed myself to be enveloped by the only man I’ve truly considered spending my life with.┬áSometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I’d moved to Los Angeles to follow him instead of to San Francisco to my dreams.

Sometimes I wish I had gone out of state for college, studied abroad, or travelled before committing to a full-time job. Seen the world before deciding on a residence.

Sometimes I wish I could shut my mind off. Submerge myself in unbroken silence.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have no fears. No subliminal associations with being afraid for fear is crippling, and I want to be alive.

Sometimes I wish my work ethic wasn’t so profound and I chose to embrace laziness. Not all the time, but enough to cherish the slow moments.

Sometimes I think about the future. Try to plan and hope, but am brought out of the clouds and into the mud when I remember there is only so much I can control.

Sometimes I long for the days when I was unable to compartmentalize sex and love.

Sometimes I wonder why I make the decisions I do.

Sometimes I’m too focused on finding my happy ending that I’m not enjoying where I’m at, in this moment.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like had I stayed in Colorado with my close friends and family. If it would have been as predictable as I had deemed.

Sometimes I wish I could sit back and see everything as it is, not with the underlying hope of morphing it into something that suits me and my needs.

Sometimes I wonder what my needs really are. And if they differ that much from my wants.

Sometimes I think I’m insane. Repeating past mistakes hoping for different outcomes while equally disappointed when the results don’t shift at all.

Sometimes I read a good book and wonder how its author was able to express my inner-most thoughts and feelings so eloquently and without knowledge of my personal existence.

Sometimes I remember I’m not alone. Never alone.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to truly have a personal blog. To be completely transparent and share my inner-most secrets with all of you.

Sometimes I wish I could really let go. Lose control. And be okay with it.

Sometimes I wish I’d never started a blog at all. If I’d stuck to my hand-written journals, people wouldn’t have opinions about my every move.

Sometimes I wonder if my perpetual optimism is genuine or if I’m trying to convince myself as much as others.

Sometimes I think about death and wonder if I’ll ever survive if someone I’m close to dies.

Sometimes I wish we could go back in time just to see what life would be like had we chosen a different path. Like a choose-your-own-adventure book.

Sometimes I take a deep breath and I remember exactly what I’m doing here and I’m proud and ecstatic and overwhelmed.

Sometimes I’m astounded at the idea that I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up at age 10, and at age 23, I still want the same things.

Sometimes, at times, I’m able quiet my mind just enough to appreciate everything and everyone. Live a life of grateful.

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

adam jackson November 3, 2010 at 3:32 am

Zero comments? this is sad. This is one of the best posts you’ve ever commited to this site.

Absolutely perfect. thank you for this.

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Lauren November 3, 2010 at 8:49 am

You know I don’t write to receive comments :) But thank you for yours. I’m glad this touched you. It wasn’t the easiest for me to write.

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Leah November 3, 2010 at 11:19 am

My vision of the afterlife/heaven/whatever you want to call it is basically living out all the possible combinations of what my life would have been like if I had taken any number of infinite paths, including big decisions like, what if I had taken that one job offer over the other? Or, more mundane one like, what if I hadn’t flown standby on that flight and had kept with my original? What if I had caught the next BART? etc. There’s so many infinite “what-ifs” that I feel like it could take an eternity (or so) to go down all the different paths life can take.

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Lauren November 3, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Life is definitely full of what-ifs and possibilities. Some big. Some small. Can’t help but wonder sometimes!

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Jessica Roy November 3, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Agree with Adam (and not just because of the sweet shout out you gave both of us) ;)

<3 you

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Lauren November 3, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Thanks, Jess! Glad you enjoyed. And I meant the shoutout. :)

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Sara Juliet Fruman November 4, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Sometimes I wish I could write as beautifully as you. I want to write an entry like this!

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Lauren November 4, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Wow, thank you Sara! You CAN write an entry just like this. Test it out – just sit down in front of your computer and write. Don’t think about who is going to be reading it, don’t think about anything. Just write. See what comes out and edit if you have to after. The best pieces I write are for no one but myself!

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Jamie November 4, 2010 at 3:20 pm

I love this. Thanks for sharing, Lauren. <3

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Lauren November 5, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Thanks, Jamie ;) Glad you enjoyed.

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Josh November 4, 2010 at 6:47 pm

Very introspective. It was very poetic. I think most of your writing on these subjects come from emotional events and it’s your way of venting and moving on. This piece seemed different because it was a lot more poetic and introspective which usually means you put a little more energy and thought into this post. Very good post.

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Lauren November 5, 2010 at 4:49 pm

Glad you liked it, Josh. I didn’t want this to be rant-like. I wanted to really think about what I “sometimes” think about. Exciting you found it to be poetic. I was feeling inspired.

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Ryan November 8, 2010 at 9:34 pm

I just reread this and it hit me more the second and third time around.

I hope your introspection led others to do the same and come to their own conclusions. I know I did.

Thank you for writing this.

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