After my last post, How About Peace?, I received some questions from a Twitter friend about religion and my beliefs when it comes to marriage.
Q: What, if anything do you expect from your (future) partner? Same religion, same beliefs, or does it matter?
A: I think this question is tough for anyone to answer. But, I’ll do my best. I was raised Jewish but with an open mind. At age 22, I am Jewish by choice; not by chance or by force. I believe in the basic principles of Judaism and have done my own studying to come to that conclusion. Some of the best friends I have ever had are from Jewish summer camps or classes. I was confirmed, went to Hebrew High and spent many summers up at Shwayder Camp. I am not Orthodox, but I practice and cherish the time I get to spend at religious gatherings.
Of course it would make life much easier if I end up marrying someone Jewish. We would already know the holidays, traditions, how to celebrate and it would be practically brainless to integrate our families. It would be easier if everyone married within their faith. However, you can’t help who you fall in love with. I want to raise my children Jewish – with the same morals and values I was raised with. As long as whoever I marry is okay with that, I’m good.
To answer the question “what do you expect?” – I expect everything that comes with a relationship, regardless of religious beliefs. Mutual respect, honesty and trust. Good communication skills are essential to success in every marriage, and they become even more crucial in an interfaith marriage. It’s important to know where your partner stands when it comes to religious identities. It’s also important to talk about the future and about children (even if it’s awkward) beforehand so you know where you and your partner stand on the topic. In my opinion, if both members of the relationship are devout to their respective religions, the chances of a successful marriage are slim to none. This also may prove to divide the family once children are involved.
Bottom line: I expect everything that someone should expect from a relationship regardless of religious affiliation. It would definitely be easier to marry someone of the same faith, however, you can’t control who you fall in love with and, in the long run, as long as they respect our differences and agree to raise our children Jewish, I’m in.
Q: Would you have someone of a completely different religion and beliefs in your life, or is that something frowned upon?
A: I am very open and accepting of all religions and beliefs. Even if I don’t agree with them, I still have an open mind and feel it’s important to learn about people who are different than you. It’s when people try and push their beliefs or religion upon me that I get defensive. Everyone is entitled to believe what they want to believe, and everyone should respect these differences (in a perfect world, right?).
In my family and in my synagogue, having people in my life that are different is definitely not frowned upon. In fact, the Jewish holiday, Passover, encourages Jews to invite a stranger to their house for the Seder, feed them and take care of them for the night.
I enjoy learning about other religions, cultures and beliefs. And I absolutely love teaching others about mine. Knowledge is beauty.
Q: (Rephrased a bit) Should you make religion a priority? Should everyone?
A: I think this varies person to person and relationship to relationship. If your religion is important to you, it should be a priority to discuss it with your partner. If you were raised a certain way but don’t really care, then no, it doesn’t have to be a priority.
For me, I know what I want. I want to raise my children Jewish. Lucky for me, because I’m a woman, my children will automatically be Jewish. I plan for them to have a childhood just like mine, Sunday School, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, confirmation and some way to extend their Jewish studies into adulthood. I will stick to these ideals – so whether that means I eventually must marry a Jewish man, or whether I find someone who may not be Jewish but agrees with them, I’ll be happy.
Interesting sites:
Thank you for the in-depth explanation and answers Lauren. You know my story and I wish it had a different outcome. At the very minimum, I wish they could’ve been as open about it as you are. Communication, or perhaps lack thereof, was certainly a factor. Another was acceptance. Not only accepting the other person, but also accepting one’s own choices and decision (and I’m not pointing fingers here, we all are guilty of this to some extend.) I can keep going on and on.
Hey, nice post, very well written. You should write more about this.
Sometimes marriage even among Christians is interfaith marriage.
“…it would make life much easier if I end up marrying someone Jewish.”
Not necessarily. I work with many couples who are both of the same religion who assume that they share the same traditions and belief, only to later discover that they have very different understandings and opinions about their faiths. But an interfaith couple cannot make any of these assumptions. They (hopefully) realize from the start that they have to talk about everything, to explain everything. They have to learn how to approach the very tricky subject of religious beliefs with sensitivity and compassion, and thereby often develop a more realistic understanding of how religion fits into their lives.
Nice post, thanks.
Very nice! BUT I had to remove you from twitter device updates. I like to know whats going on, but when my phone beeped at 5:26am this morning asking me to read about interfaith marriage, Im thinking that was a little heavy for morning reading lol <3 ya Lauren
Very interesting post. I’d be interested in knowing how your parents reacted to it. Do you think they would agree with your statement “I want to raise my children Jewish – with the same morals and values I was raised with. As long as whoever I marry is okay with that, I’m good.” Or do you think they would feel that your mate would have to be Jewish in order to help raise the children with the same morals and values you were raised with. Do you think people of different religions have the same morals and values? Do you think people of the same religion all have the same morals and values. If your spouse agrees to raise the kids with your morals and values does that necessarily make a strong marriage, or just good kids? Or, on the other hand, should the people who are married have to have the same morals and values in order to have a strong marriage, in addition to being able to pass those on to their children. Seems like your attempt to answer some questions really raised a number of questions, at least in my mind.