Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

These are the words of a poem written by William Ernest Henley. “Invictus” meaning “invincible” in Latin, was first published in 1875. It is also a theme in the new film, Invictus.

I love movies. I love all kinds of movies. They have the power to incite emotions and make people feel and think about things that they may not have taken the time to think or feel otherwise. I even love the movies that specifically don’t make you think. But, Invictus…was a thinker.

Invictus is a film about the life of Nelson Mandela after the fall of the apartheid in South Aftica. It takes place in a specific time during his term as president when he campaigned to host the 1995 Rugby World Cup in order to unite the people of South Africa.

Pause for a brief history recap (in a nutshell).

I am terrible with history. I can’t remember dates or names to save my life, but Wikipedia sure can, and let me tell you, I’ve learned a few things. Nelson Mandela is the first president of South Africa to be elected in a fully representative democratic election. Before he was elected president, he was an anti-apartheid activist, which landed him in prison for 27 years. He was convicted of charges of sabotage and other crimes committed while he led the movement against the apartheid. (Apartheid: a social and political policy of racial segregation and discrimination enforced by white minority governments in South Africa). After Mandela was released in 1990, he advocated for reconciliation and helped lead the transition toward multi-racial democracy in South Africa.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled program.

Now, here’s what I found interesting.

First of all, Mandela was locked up in a jail cell approximately the size of an average man’s arm span for nearly 30 years. He was locked up because he wanted equality. He fought for equality. Then, when he was released from imprisonment, he immediately forgave the perpetrators of his unfair captivity and worked to unite the “enemies” despite seemingly insurmountable odds. The film is littered with one-liners that depict the struggle, pain and patience that Mandela showed during his plight to unite a divided country. He says, “Forgiveness is a powerful weapon,” and asks all of his family members and employees to begin practicing this forgiveness, for “great leaders lead by example.” This is remarkable to me. Francois even says, “I was thinking how a man could spend thirty years in prison, and come out and forgive the men who did it to him…” His ability to forgive the people that locked him up like an animal for almost 30 years because to him, reconciliation was the only path to true freedom. That’s bravery. That’s courage. That’s leadership.

Enter Springbok – South Africa’s rugby team.

Mandela attends a rugby game and while he’s watching the white fans root for the team and the black fans root against, he determines that this little rugby team is going to unite the country. If he can just figure out a way to unite the fans of the team, he will, in turn, unite the entire country.

Mandela develops a close relationship with the Springbox captain, Francois Pienaar. Mandela views Pienaar as just as much of a leader as he is himself. He instills the same teachings that he learned while in prison, and from the poem he had in his jail cell throughout his imprisonment – what it means to truly be a leader. Slowly but surely, and with much work by both Mandela and Pienaar, the Springbok gained the support of the whole country. With 43 Million people supporting the rugby team, they win the World Cup. But they really won much more than that. Then won united freedom.

What amazes me is Mandela used the power of sports to bring people together. When we think about our lives today, while they are much different than life in South Africa, sports are a big part of them. But what role do sports plan in our lives? In joining lives? Mandela used the rugby team to unite an entire country. It’s incredible to me that all it took was support and belief in one thing, one team, and he could unite a divided country. It’s the power of sports. It’s the power of leadership. It’s the power of putting the past behind us, moving forward, and being an example for those who are following us. It’s truly inspirational.

I went and saw Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D last night. Let me just say, it is absolutely amazing. After the initial first moments of pure nausea, watching a move in 3D totally blew me away. The detail, the intricacies, the fact that objects looked like I could literally reach out and touch them…WOW. Technology these days…

But, watching this movie about Halloween colliding with Christmas got me thinking.

It always amazes me, year after year, how much earlier people start setting up for the Holidays. First, people were setting up their Christmas trees the day after Thanksgiving – almost a full month before Christmas. Now? Some are setting them up around Halloween! Craziness.

The stores are already decked out in tinsel and bows. The trees are lined with glittery lights. Not to mention, the spirited sounds of “Jingle Bells” and “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” can be heard on every street corner. Everyone is getting ready for the Holiday season. Um. It’s just barely November. Keep your pants on, folks.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am all for getting into the Holiday spirit. In fact, I have plenty of holiday decorations for when the time comes to put them up around my apartment. However, I don’t see the sense in rushing it. Yes, everyone seems to be in a much happier mood around holiday season. Yes, the holidays bring families together and fill the world with joy. But, if you extend the “holiday period” don’t you get burned out? Isn’t it just a letdown when Christmas comes and goes in one day? Or even Hannukah in eight nights? Then, before you know it, it’s New Years and everyone is already breaking their resolutions.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready for the holidays. I’m having a hard time believing that Thanksgiving is just around the corner let alone Christmas and Hannukah. I feel like the holidays serve as a reminder of how fast time flies. And the earlier and earlier we all start getting ready, the faster and faster time is passing by. Fall just gets skipped over – jumping from one holiday to the next.

Take a deep breath.

Enjoy the fall leaves. Prepare for Thanksgiving (after all it’s only three weeks away). But give Christmas and Hannukah a break for now. Their time will come.

At one point or another, we’ve all been asked, “if you could have one superpower, what would it be?”

I’ve given this some thought.

I did a trusty little google search of all the “possible” superpowers in the world, and came up with this list (top 10 since there were millions):

1. Telepathy
2. High speed
3. Flight
4. X-Ray vision
5. Time control
6. Invisibility
7. Invincibility
8. Incredible strength
9. Elasticity
10. Blow things up with your mind

Sidenote: There is an actual forum where people talk about the superpowers they want to have and what they would do with them. This is a snippet of a post – cracked me up. “Captain Planet, he’s our hero. Gonna take pollution down to zero. He’s our powers, magnified, cause he’s fighting on the planet side!” Oh yeah. These people exist.

Let’s talk about these superpowers and possible pros and cons.

Telepathy is equivalent (for the most part) to reading people’s minds. I think a lot of people jump to this as their superpower of choice because a) it seems cool and b) it sounds like a good idea at that time. But, if you think about it, it would kind of be scary to read people’s minds. It’s like in that movie, “What Women Want.” Mel Gibson can hear what all of these women are thinking. Sometimes it’s good, like when he’s out on a date and he asks the woman questions based on what she’s thinking about. But other times, it’s not so good like when he’s in bed with a woman and she thinks he’s boring. Honestly, do you really want to know what’s going on in everyone’s head? Even the creeper staring you down on the bus? How about your boyfriend when he’s quiet and you ask the dreaded question, “what are you thinking about?” and he says “nothing.” And it’s really nothing? I think I’ll pass.

High Speed seems like it’d be pretty cool. Get from point A to point B really quickly. Possibly teleporting? That’d be sweet. I’d never be late again! Then again, I think life moves fast enough as it is. I’m already super busy all the time, scheduling time to TALK ON THE PHONE. Setting reminders to TAKE OUT THE TRASH. It’s gross how life flies right by. I rather enjoy my walks to and from work every day. Gives me 30 minutes of peace.

Flying would be pretty sweet. Another mode of transportation that may not actually affect the environment. However, I think it would be pretty weird to see people zooming by my 14th floor window at my office. Maybe it’s in the future…

X-Ray Vision is for pervs. Enough said.
Controlling time would be really cool. You could go back and forward and see into the past and the future. Perhaps even change things that have happened in the past? See what your life will be like in the future? Sounds neat, but at the same time, I kind of like being surprised. I wouldn’t change anything from my past – it has made me the person I am today. And, frankly, I wouldn’t want to see how my future is going to end up. I’d rather just wait and see.

After seeing Harry Potter, I think everyone has, at one point or another, wanted to add that Invisibility Cloak to their wardrobe. I think it would be awesome to have that power – just be able to slip in and out of visibility. But for the people that don’t have that power? They’d live a life of fear and paranoia. Who’s going to pop out next? That’d just be creepy.

Invincibility seems like the most ideal superpower out there. Everlasting life sounds pretty intriguing. You’d be able to withstand any pain or injury and be totally unscathed. But how great would it really be to outlive everyone you know? All of a sudden, you’re 100-years-old and you have no family, friends, acquaintances, nothing. You’re just – alive. Alone. Hmm…

It would definitely be empowering to have incredible strength. Having the ability to lift anything, push anything, would be pretty cool. Us girls wouldn’t need you boys to lift heavy things anymore. My only fear would be that I would underestimate my strength and kill, oh, I don’t know, my cat or something.

Elasticity just sounds pretty gross to me. I’ve seen really flexible people. People that are double jointed and can bend in all different directions. It’s just plain, old disturbing.

When I think about blowing things up with your mind, I can’t help but remember the scene in “Accepted” when the nerdy looking guy actually succeeds in blowing up a car with his mind. He’d been trying to explode a pineapple the entire movie. First, I don’t understand the mantra that goes along with blowing things up. Maybe I’m just not into loud booms, fire and death. I don’t know. But if I had that superpower, I would definitely blow things up on accident.

Bottom line after all this superpower talk: I, honestly, would rather just be a normal human being. Call it boring, call it safe, call it whatever you want. I like not having control of certain things in my life. Yes, it might be fun, and I am a total supporter of wild imaginations. Lucky for the world, imagination is really the only true beholder of these superpowers.

Ah, yes… the leaves have fallen, the birds are preparing to fly south for the winter (I actually don’t know what the immense and growing population of pigeons really do for the winter in San Francisco, but I’m praying they fly away…either way) that means it’s time for Halloween!

I L-O-V-E Halloween. And, no, it’s not just because girls can be scantily clad in their “costumes” (which mostly consist of lingerie and animal ears) and not be considered slutty. Ok, well maybe that has a little to do with it. But, mostly, I like the idea of dressing up. Of seeing what everyone else dresses up as. Being creative with costumes. Costumes are great – for one night (or in San Francisco, really, whenever) you can be someone else. You can dress up and stay in character for a whole night. You are whoever you want to be – little red riding hood, a cat, a belly dancer, whatever. You can be whatever you want, no matter how silly or stupid or ridiculous it may be.

Plus, I’m a big fan of carving pumpkins. And baking the pumpkin seeds isn’t half bad either.

I also like being scared. Well, kind of.

Allow me to clarify.

The adrenaline rush when fear first heats up your bloodstream is addictive. First, the little hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. It charges through your body and makes even the tiny hairs on your arms stand up. It challenges your heartbeat. Racing. You can feel your heart beat in your temples, in your neck, in your wrists, even in your feet. Your breaths become quick, like you’re gasping for air. Your hands become clammy – they shake. You can’t take your eyes off whatever just scared you, but all you want to do is look away. The fear uncontrollably takes over your entire body.

Anyway.

I like the initial feeling of fear. But I do not like the aftermath. I enjoy scary movies, while I’m watching them. I do not appreciate the horrific nightmares that come thereafter and require me to sleep with all my lights on and music blaring so nothing crawls out of my TV.

Not to mention, I can’t watch these said movies alone… I have to be with someone I can snuggle with and that will catch me when I jump six feet in the air after a monster slithers out of the closet. I need protection from the big bad creatures from these scary movies.

But, the scary movies that really get to me aren’t the ones with monsters or big, slimy creatures. They’re the ones that the fear comes from within. Like, “The Skeleton Key” (don’t laugh). That movie is all about voo doo and the demons within us coming out. The ghosts from our ancestors coming back to haunt us. Like, “The Grudge,” or “The Ring,” when all the fear is inside. Those are the movies I’m scared of. In fact, I’m probably going to have nightmares tonight just thinking about them.

Halloween also means it’s getting closer to Thanksgiving which happens to be one of my absolute favorite holidays of all time (except for my Birthday and Valentine’s Day, of course).

Ahhh, ‘tis almost the holiday season!

Have a spooooky Halloween! And don’t take candy from strangers.

My guilty pleasure. No, now get your mind out of the gutter. Ok, well, not completely.

HBO has stolen my heart again – and my Thursday nights.

Hung is a riveting series on HBO that centers on a father of two teenagers who goes through a messy divorce, deals with a custody battle, and on top of it all, his house burns down. As he is a high school basketball coach and detention supervisor, his finances are slim. And, of course, he never filed for homeowners insurance. He is left trying to rebuild his house and his family, alone.

The kids

After a one-night-stand with a homely yet interesting woman, he comes across an even more interesting opportunity – the chance to be a male gigolo. Yes, you heard right. He has the opportunity to GET PAID TO HAVE SEX. So, the show takes off switching between his life as a father and teacher and his life as a male prostitute. And, let me tell you, his sexcapades are anything but boring. Draws you in, right?

No, this isn’t a plug for Hung or for HBO, but, as a true writer, this show made me think.

How far would you go to get your family back? How far would you go to restore your home? Your life? Would you have sex for money if it was enough to rebuild your burned down house? To get your kids back?

The whole idea of prostitution strikes me.

Word association, “PROSTITUTE.”

• Tramp
• Colfax
• Red light district
• Fishnets
• Mini-skirts
• Drugs
• No self-esteem
• Dirty
• STDs
• Illegal
• Sex. With. Strangers.

But, this guy is normal! This guy is a SCHOOLTEACHER. What would you do if you found out your professor was a

PROSTITUTE?

The gigolo

I’d freak.

Of course, those words are generalizations and stereotypes that suburban kids are taught to associate with prostitution from the day they see broad daylight. And those kind of stereotypical prostitutes exist. I’ve seem ‘em.

But this guy, this guy, is just plain intriguing. I know, I know, it’s just a TV show. But I am a firm believer that TV shows can, and often do, stem from real life experiences. It makes me wonder if there is someone, or many someones, that partake in this yet are still able to lead normal lives. They become “creatures of the night.” And it must be exhausting leading this double life.

Back to the show.

The one-night-stander becomes his “pimp.” First of all, she’s female.

Word association: “PIMP.”

• Male
• Asshole
• Heartless
• Greedy
• Disrespectful (I wish there was a stronger word)
• Dirty
• 50 cent (had to throw that one in there)

The pimpess

Even Wikipedia is gender specific when it comes to defining a pimp, “A pimp (also called fleshmonger or Pander) finds and manages women (often young girls) who are vulnerable and susceptible, for what ever reason, to extreme manipulation and engages them in prostitution (in brothels and on the streets) in order to profit from their earnings.”

So, whoa. This show is redefining stereotypes all over the place.

Anyway, the pimpess calls their “business” Happiness Consultants. Wait. Hold up. Is this suggesting that meaningless sex with strangers will make you happy? Yes. Absolutely. And that’s how she pitches her business plan to potential clients. She convinces women that if they are lonely, unhappily married or seriously mentally disturbed (you should’ve seen that episode, holy crap) that the solution is to hire the Happiness Consultants and this strapping, “well hung” man will come to your house, have sex with you for a significant amount of money and *POOF* you will be happy.

Hmmm.

This seems problematic to me on so many levels. First, happiness doesn’t stem from meaningless sex. At least for me. When it comes to sex (mom, dad, grandparents, I’m sorry if you’re reading this), true happiness comes from having sex with someone you love. It’s an entirely different feeling than when you have sex with someone you don’t. When you sleep with someone you don’t love, or at least considerably care for, more times than not, it leaves you UNhappy. Wanting more. Wanting that emotional connection with that someone that you just can’t get when it’s just about the sex. Or the money (I’d imagine).

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had sex with people I haven’t significantly cared for (mom, dad, grandparents, I’m sorry again). But, as predicted, it didn’t leave me feeling any better about myself. It didn’t make me happy. It turned into an “oh, what did I do that for” moment.

And I could never, ever, ever, ever receive PAYMENT for having sex with someone. That’s when the childhood implanted stereotypes enter.

I can see the appeal, however. No attachments or strings attached. And that can definitely be exciting. But I guess I feel that is more about the immediate satisfaction. Not long term happiness.

Back to the question, though. How far would you go for your family? If you were dirt poor and needed to provide something, anything. What would you do? If the opportunity arose, would you have sex to make ends meet?

Think about it. Afterall, we are in a recession.

Attention: Spoilers ahead! (just in case you haven’t seen it)

I watched “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” last night for about the fifth time. It’s a pretty funny flick, but after this viewing, I have determined there’s more to it than just crude humor. 

The romantic comedy stars Jason Segal and Kristen Bell. Bell’s character, Sarah, dumps Segal’s character, Peter. The fact that he is buck naked as she breaks his heart is awkwardly humorous, yet irrelevant. Peter is devastated and, with the encouragement of a friend, sleeps with more than a handful of girls and then flies to Hawaii in order to lick his wounds. Of course, at the same hotel he arrives at, is his ex-girlfriend – with her new boyfriend. The story ensues as Rachel (Mila Kunis), the sexy receptionist allows Peter to stay in a suite for free, Peter follows Sarah and the new boyfriend around the resort, Peter falls for Rachel, Sarah wants Peter back, and ultimately, Peter chooses to follow his own dreams (of making a Dracula puppet show) and hopes one day Rachel will once again be by his side. All of this happens in one vacation to Hawaii.

Peter vacations to Hawaii three weeks after Sarah broke up with him. By the end of the vacation (which seems to last about a week), Peter is completely over Sarah and has moved on with Rachel.

Is this realistic? Is this healthy? I know, I know, this is just a movie. But many times, movies portray real-life situations. And in this case, a fairly common one – the art of healing and moving forward after a relationship ends.

It seems as if the consensus is that time is the most important factor in the healing process after a breakup. However, it is not just time that heals hearts. There’s no set amount of time, there’s no rule like the common myth “it takes two times the months you were in the relationship to get over it,” there are no predetermined paths to take. However long it takes, it’s what you do with that time that really determines whether or not your heart can heal.

Sure, take a day or two to wallow in your own self-pity. Use a friend’s shoulder to cry on while you try and figure out what went wrong, what you did to deserve this and how you can get them back. Once you’ve realized you’re better than that, that this relationship is not the end-all be-all of your existence, that you are ok, then you can focus your time on truly healing you. Each window of healing is different depending on the relationship; it is important to take all the time you need in order to fully heal before you establish something new.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is jumping into another relationship immediately after the previous one ended. Many people feel that if they can fill the void that was just left inside them, they never have to feel the pain and they can move on more quickly. This may be the case initially, however, just like in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” after Peter started falling for Rachel, he relapsed and hooked back up with Sarah (briefly). When you jump from relationship to relationship, you don’t let your heart heal. Instead, you rush into something else merely to replace what you just lost. More times than not, this doesn’t turn out well.

Another monumental mistake people tend to make is going back. No matter if you and your ex have decided to stay friends or make a clean break, it is so important to keep your distance. Especially in the first few weeks if not months after the breakup. This means don’t call, don’t text, don’t email, don’t Facebook stalk or chat online, and definitely don’t have sex. Once you feel you can talk on a completely friendly level, then you can reintroduce some of these communication methods. Except sex. It takes a long time to get over someone physically and if you buckle and go back to the sexual aspect of that relationship you will regret it. It’s not hard to get caught up in the moment, but it will be even harder to let it go again.

So, how do you use the time after a breakup wisely?

Do you.

• Get a mani/pedi or a massage or do something that calms you.

• Get a haircut – it seems that all women get somewhat of a makeover after a breakup. It’s a great confidence booster. Rock that new hair!

•  Spend time with your friends – your friends are the best tools to your healing process. They’re there to encourage, share laughs, share tears, and trash talk, of course.

•  Watch movies (preferably not lovey-dovey ones)

• Write. I know for me, writing is my therapy. Write about it.

• Start a new hobby. Give yourself something to think about other than your heartbreak.

• Spend time with your family – while they’ll ask those prying questions you don’t want to answer, it’s good to talk about it and get things off your chest.

• Take a class. Learning new things is always a good way to move on. Plus, you’ll get a chance to meet some new people!

• Stay active. Work out or join a team and play a sport. Competitiveness will help you get your aggression out in a healthy way.

• Most importantly: LET GO. You have your life and your goals and dreams. Focus on them.

Breakups are never easy. But there are ways to bounce back to them healthfully and without hurting yourself even more. Just take a step back, put everything back in perspective, and move forward at full speed.

I have worked in the restaurant industry for seven years. I have been a hostess, a waitress and a bartender. And I think I’ve pretty much seen it all.

 “Waiting,” starring Ryan Reynolds, is basically the story of my life in the food industry. Being a hostess and a waitress, you deal with a plethora of interesting situations.

You get the incredibly needy customers – you know, the ones that ask for a glass of water, and then when you return with the glass of water, they ask for a side of ranch, and then when you return with the side of ranch, they ask for a new fork, and so on. That’s called “running your server,” and people do it like it’s their job.

And then you get the couple that’s in the middle of a monumental feud. You’re standing in front of their table, ready to take their order, and there’s this intense cloud of awkwardness. It’s as if you walked into the middle of World War 1 and you definitely weren’t invited.

Next, you get the guy who sits at a four-top all by himself talking on his cell phone. You think to yourself, “Should I go over to him? Interrupt his phone call? If I do will he think I’m being rude? If I don’t will he think he’s getting poor service? And why in the hell does one guy who’s probably going to order $10 of food and going to tip me $2 need to take up a four-top and a screw me out of a potential $8 tip?”

Then you get the family with three kids that the parents let run rampant around the restaurant. First, the children are occupied for a split second by using crayons to vandalize the table. Then they’re amused by running around with balloons, nearly tripping all the servers carrying big trays full of drinks and entrees. Oh, and don’t forget the children that climb over the booths and wreak havoc on the neighboring table.

Being a bartender is slightly different. You deal with a different crowd of people. Sometimes, you still get the families with obnoxious children, but more often, you deal with drunk assholes.

As a bartender, you get the dirty old men, staring at you creepily from across the bar, waiting for you to acknowledge them so they can make some dirty, sexual remark that you just have to smile and nod off.

You get the alcoholics that sit at the end of your bar getting progressively more drunk throughout your shift, eventually looking as if they are about to fall asleep right in their whiskey.

You get the seducers. These are the best. These (for me) are guys that come in just to flirt. They drink, of course, and that’s their excuse for their lame pick-up lines and inappropriate comments. It turns nasty when they actually try to grab-ass. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to slap a customer across the face for putting their arm around me or trying to pull me onto their laps. It’s disgusting. Calling me “baby” or “sweetie” will not get you a free drink. In fact, I’m inclined to charge you as much as possible.

And, no. I will not give you my phone number.

I’ll be honest, sometimes bartenders, myself included, perpetuate this “naughty” behavior. I use the fact that I am a female, working in a predominately male environment, to my advantage. If you flirt a little bit, your tips seem to magically double. As long as you don’t cross the line, you’re in the clear. Comes with the job.

Working in the food industry also has its perks. Being social and able to talk to a variety of people has set me up with some fairly decent contacts throughout the years. I actually got an internship and several job offers while working as a bartender. You can make good friends and connections if you are friendly and cordial to customers. You develop regulars that can ultimately assist you in the future (such as in my current job search).

In general, I have loved working in the restaurant industry; I have met some great people, made some great money and had a great time.

A word to the wise; however, don’t mess with the people that handle your food.

This film cracked me up. The short, witty one-liners were definitely a highlight. However, it was the concept of the film that really got me thinking. The movie is about a man who is getting married and is in search of a best man for his wedding. He goes on several “man-dates” in order to seek out the best fit for the position. He has no friends. According to his brother, he has always been a “girlfriend guy” where he bounces from relationship to relationship and leaves his friends in the dust, thus, leaving him with no friends whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong, I know this is just a movie, but movies can sometimes dictate real life. Let me break it down for you.

Here’s what I find interesting.

Maybe this is just coming from a female perspective, but it is girls who always seem to push their friends away when they get a boyfriend. I’m not being sexist here; this is just my observation and personal experience. Usually it’s the guy in the relationship who insists on having boy’s nights and not being taken away from his friends and it is the girl who is vying for every second of her boyfriend’s free time no matter what.

So, I appreciate the gender role reversal.

But is it realistic? Are there really guys out there that are so concerned with their girlfriend that they push away their guy friends? Or vice versa. Is that really a healthy relationship?

I know I’m far from perfect and even farther from an expert when it comes to relationships, and I am sure that I have pushed away a friend or six, but I believe there are three parts to a healthy, successful relationship.

You, me and us.

There has to be a separate you and a separate me in order for there to be a healthy us.  In other words, you don’t let another person or a relationship define who you are.  We’ve all heard the names “Brangelina” and “Bennifer.”  Those celebrity couples are prime examples of what happens when you let yourself become defined by the relationship you’re in; you lose your own identity. 

It is important to maintain your individuality and your own life in order to participate in a healthy relationship.

It all begins when you start to lean on your significant other.  When you begin to depend on them for certain things then you slowly lose a part of yourself.  Let’s separate these leaning points into three categories; financially, emotionally and physically. Remember, this is coming from a female perspective – not entirely objective.

Financially

Yes, it is considered chivalrous for a male to pay when taking a woman out on a date.  And I am not disagreeing with that.  However, once in a relationship, it’s important to let your boyfriend know that you can survive without him.  You may or may not work, but either way, you have to show that you have some source of income and that you’re independent enough to be able to at least pay for yourself if not for the both of you.  If you begin depending on him for money, food, or anything else that money can buy, then you’re giving up some of your independence.

It’s important to let your boyfriend know that you can hold your own; you are capable of taking care of yourself.  That way, it will never feel like it’s a chore taking care of you.  If he knows that you can do it yourself, then he feels as if he’s being thoughtful paying for you or doing other things to take care of you.

Emotionally

Men have this innate ability to grab a hold on a woman’s heart and allow her to think of nothing else but him.  He finds a way to make it so that your only goal is to figure him out; uncover what he really wants and what his intentions are.  Then, suddenly, it’s you and your girlfriends analyzing every word, every text message, every touch, every look, etc.  It slowly begins to consume you and eventually your happiness begins to depend on the way he is treating you.  If he calls, then it’s a good day, if he doesn’t, then you spend the day waiting for him to call and wondering what you did wrong in order for him to not call.  This wondering only leads to you calling him and then you begin the whole circle over again.

Bottom line: A man should never, ever determine your happiness.  You are in control of your own happiness; your own emotions.  Keep it that way.

Physically

A man may be stronger than you but that doesn’t mean you’re less capable.  You are just as capable.  It is a common misconception that women are weaker than men and therefore are frail and submissive.  However, it’s quite the contrary.  Women are perfectly capable of standing up and defending themselves, but they struggle with the idea because of the common conception that men are stronger and are undefeatable.  They are not.  In fact, they will respect you even more once they know that you know what you stand for and are willing to defend it.

As for physical contact. Yes, it is always nice to have someone to hold you, touch you, kiss you – but it is not vital to your survival. You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, sleeping alone and still being happy and content. You do not need him. Do not lean on your partner for physical comfort, trust me, you ultimately will not get what you are truly looking for.

In a healthy relationship, there has to be you, me and us. Without an independently healthy you and me, there will not be a combined healthy us. Your personal identity and individualism is more important than your relationship – and you’d be surprised at how much happier you are in a relationship when you are happy with yourself.

While I Love You, Man is only a film, I feel it depicts real life relationship issues and it brings to the forefront the importance of friendship. If you’re going to be in a relationship, make it a healthy one. Yes, healthy relationships are wonderful (and few and far between), marriages (not speaking from personal experience) are wonderful; however, friends will outlast the true test of time. 

Here’s a link to the trailer if you’re curious. It’s pretty funny.