So, I decided to try a little something new on the ol’ blog. I seem to have been talking a lot about relationships lately, and I thought it would be interesting to get a male perspective on the world of dating. However, I didn’t expect to get quite the response that I got.

When I asked Josh to write a guest post for my blog because I wanted a male perspective, he was excited. We were discussing the possibilities and decided on the idea of a guy trying to date a girl and ending up in the “friend zone.” How do you get there? Why do you get there? What do you have to do to avoid getting “friended?”

His post came back a little aggressive for my taste, so I’ve taken his post word for word, and turned this into a little point/counterpoint. Hope you enjoy!

First let me thank Lauren for the opportunity and challenge to contribute to her blog. Hopefully I can become a semi occasionally guest contributor to balance her blog with a male perspective.

The question: How long to guys have to make their move until a woman sees them as just a friend?  The underlying reason for this question is why guys seem so hesitant to make a move on a girl they like, which is an interesting question. I have some experience with this situation both positive and negative. I have found myself in situations where I played it cool too long or was to aggressive and for various reasons was unsuccessful with my pursuits. However the reasoning behind a guy’s actions is slightly complicated and depends on the situation he finds him-self in and the circumstances that led him to the courtship of a woman.

First let me preface this answer by establishing a few facts:

Keep in mind that these “facts” that Josh speaks of are his opinion. They are in no way deemed factual representations of what all men think or feel or what is right. Carry on.

1. Guys are “female” stupid no matter how educated they are. So, no matter how cute and coy you think you are being and how awesome your subtle signs are, chances are if you have a guy that’s reluctant to make a move, he probably doesn’t know you like him. Again, guys are simple. They don’t pick up on signs and hints very well. They relish the obvious. They like a chase but they need something to chase.

Now, I am not a “game-player.” I don’t like to play hard-to-get and I don’t like to be toyed with. However, I have to agree with Josh on this one. Even if a guy or a girl says they don’t like games, that doesn’t mean that you throw yourself at them. You have to leave a little mystery. Mystery is what intrigues a man or a woman and keeps them interested in you. Don’t toy with someone’s emotions, but just don’t reveal all of yours all at once. However, I feel that games and relationships are somewhat linked. What are games? They entail goals, rules, challenges and interactions. It’s how you play the “game” that will get you the right end result.

2. Guys don’t want girls that are just friends. Guys have a saying that a friend that’s a girl is just someone you haven’t slept with yet. Yes it’s very pigheaded and very ignorant but in a way it’s very true. Guys never enter into a relationship with a girl because they want to be “friends”, it’s just something that results in a failed attempt at something else. Case in point: Two of my best friends are female. I love them both dearly. One was a girl I had long courtship with butwe became just friends and the other never got passed date one but now we are good friends. The point is that I didn’t want to be just friends with either of these women. I wanted to sleep with these girls and form a romantic relationship. In both cases I accepted friendship as a consolation prize in hopes of maybe becoming more (never happens) and eventually just got used to being friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love both dearly and cherish our friendship but my ego is still bruised.

This is kind of a tough one. It’s walking a thin line between really pissing me off and a somewhat valid argument. I do think that women are just as sexually charged as men. But, some of my very best friends are guys. And perhaps, the trick is that women are able to view guys as just friends right off the bat and men are unable to do so. I’d love to hear some other male thoughts on this. And friendship as a consolation prize? That little comment doesn’t even warrant my response.

3. Women control sex, but guys have to be the aggressors. Women know with the first 10 minutes of meeting a guy if the potential for sex exists. Women like to act like they have more class then men but they see men the same way men see women. They know just by looking at the guy, seeing his stature and his presence how sexually virile they are. They want the man to come over and talk to them. They want to be wooed and charmed. Sure, a guy’s interest might be more animalistic but the intent remains the same. Now it is true that a guy can shoot himself in the foot while a woman can’t. Each guy has a different tolerance level for what crosses the line to make a woman unattractive but it’s a hard line to cross. Versus a woman’s line is very easily crossed. One unsmooth move, one bad joke, one inappropriate comment and the guy has struck out. That’s why women control sex. If women thought like men the population would boom while Trojan and Durex would go out of business. It’s a good thing women control sex.

Even though women control sex they remain utterly confused about guys, which is dumbfounding because we are not that hard to understand. Understanding women is an entirely different animal. Even the brightest minds in the world remain completely dumbfounded about women. How any man scores remains a complete mystery. Either it’s by sheer luck of being in the right place at the right time, or the girl has made it easy to be solved. The problem lies in the fact that women say they want one thing but completely fall for the opposite. So it’s a crapshoot and it’s usually the guys that can bullshit the most that have the most success on a very minor scale.

Sex is complicated. Any way you look at sex, it’s complicated. It complicates potential relationships if it occurs “too soon.” It snuffs out potential relationships if it doesn’t occur “soon enough.” One person could expect more than sex while the other just wants to get laid. I agree that it’s a “crapshoot” but that’s what makes communication crucial. So, maybe the problem is that guys spend their time bullshitting as Josh eludes to, instead of actually communicating therefore they don’t have “success.” Hm.

There is no understanding “women” because we are all individuals. Just like some men are hard to understand as well. We are all individual people. No woman wants the same thing. It’s important to spend more time talking to the person of interest getting to know what they want and stop analyzing women as a whole.

This concept of sexual aggression is very dependent on the situation. The situation in which you met the guy and the situations you find yourself in while initially dating the guy. There’s two ways that a guy pursues a women. Either she’s a girl for the night or a girl for the next day. Different girls have different playbooks. Thus aggression levels are going differ depending how the guy sees you.

Playbooks? Games? BAH! Why don’t you materialize girls a little more. Yeah. That’ll get you laid. Not to mention, when you dump women into two categories, you’re limiting yourself and ruling other possibilities out.

A girl for the night is usually a one night stand, booty call, friends with benefits or a fling type of a relationship. Since we were little boys our mothers have been telling us that wives don’t give it up on the first night. It’s not an instant gratification pursuit. It’s a long term investment. Thus a guy decides early on in his pursuit if it’s a quest for the Holy Grail or the quest for the hot jeans. In this first situation aggression is pretty clear. Just like a lion hunting his prey you have to act quick and hard in order to obtain your feast.

Nice. Now women are being equated to prey. This is why dating is so God-damned hard.

Aggression shows confidence and sexual virility and that’s the very essence of man. That’s his ego coming out and showboating. Often times this aggression and forwardness is aided with the help of alcohol or drugs and by the same sense the woman’s guards and standards are lowered by the aid of alcohol and drugs. If you’re a girl that met their mate in this type of situation, chances are the long term viability of the relationship is not good. There’s a chance that it could turn into more, but that’s more because the guy can get comfortable and lazy with you and is that what you REALLY want?

The second situation is the more traditionally preferred way of meeting a man. This is also the most emotionally dangerous for women and the biggest gamble for men. When it’s just about sex, guys are typically more aggressive. When they have to start rationalizing their feelings and have deeper emotional ties with a female, then the gamble becomes bigger because their ego is more at risk. This is why guys seem more hesitant to make a move and their “female” stupidity takes larger effect.

In the first situation a guy basically just brazenly throws his dick on the table to play all his cards, because if his offer is rejected he can just move onto option #2. This situation is a little more risky because your emotions for the girl are going to affect his ego more. He’s not just going to take a risky gamble and get rejected. He needs a clear sign that his advance is going to be openly received. This is where guys fail to see subtle signs and hidden vibes from women. A guy in this situation is going to be reluctant unless he finds himself in a golden opportunity to minimize the collateral damage associate with his ego taking a shot to the chops. A golden opportunity would be a situation where you and him are either alone at home or in a public place without a lot of group interaction. The chances of a guy making a move where he is highly likely to be embarrassed being rejected is very slim. So if you’re waiting for a guy to make a move you need to present him with these golden opportunities for him to take advantage of. Trust me that a guy is going to be as forward and aggressive as you want him to be after that initial move is made. However, if he fails to take advantage of these golden opportunities, than my friends you might have a sissy boy on your hands.

This last paragraph is very insightful. Guys have egos (we all have egos) and I can only imagine the fear of rejection they have when they’re approaching a girl they actually like. But, you have to take into consideration, that with all the other bullshit Josh explained guys pull, it’s just as difficult for a girl to determine whether or not the guy is actually being honest in his pursuit and we’re not just getting tricked into bed. All of this is what makes dating and relationships so complicated. So game-like. Such a gamble with your heart.

I do, however, believe that if we all can get past the immature games, mind-tricks and overanalyzing, the potential for men and women to be in a successful relationship is quite possible. In my opinion, men and women are a lot more similar than they seem. I think women tend to fear letting out their bluntness and their opinions on sex for fear that men will categorize them into an unkind box, which has been proven true above.

I know we’ve all seen the tabloids in action the past couple days. It’s the same story every time something like this “breaks.” The famous man who’s “happily” married with two children has a scandalous affair with some hot-shot socialite blah blah blah. I’m sick of it.

It’s always something when it comes to the tabloids – it’s actually been relatively quiet for a little while as of late – no pregnancy scares, cheating spouses, secret weddings. So, of course, at the sight of something indecent they jump like a fat kid on cake.

Anyway – the point of this post is not about the tabloids. I could rant and rant about them all day long (and still be just as addicted to the gossip). Every time something like this gets blown out of proportion, it becomes candy. It gives other men (ones not necessarily in the spotlight) the idea that it’s “ok” to transgress because, well, Tiger Woods did it and his wife forgave him. He just says “sorry” and *POOF* it’s like it never happened.

No.

Sorry, boys. That’s not the case. At least in my book.

It’s unfortunate that celebrity relationships become somewhat idolized and are then used as excuses for other relationships. In fact, it’s unfortunate that celebrities run our lives the way they do in general, but that’s a whole other blog post.

Back to the cheating (ahem, cheetah-ing) and what the tabloids don’t seem to cover: reality.

What they don’t cover are the real repercussions of his actions. They don’t cover the wife’s devastation. They don’t cover effect that the fact he cheated on his wife while she was taking care of his kids might have on his family. And if they do cover these things, they do it on a “limelight” sort of way. Personal life become a publicity stunt and the theory that “all attention is good attention” rings true. Suddenly, Tiger Woods is back in the press! Woohoo! Who cares about his wife anyway? She probably deserved it.

(If you couldn’t figure it out on your own, that was sarcasm…)

Whether it’s a celebrity or an average Joe – these kinds of overly fabricated, less-than-truthful stories, effect real-life, non-spotlight relationships as well. And what’s really terrible about it is that we let this crap permeate our lives. I can’t tell you what Twitter looked like today (you probably already know). “Tiger Woods” was a trending topic. What’s even worse? The hashtag #whymencheat was even higher on the trend popularity than “Tiger Woods.” This oh-so-clever hashtag was used to illustrate all of the reasons why men cheat on their women. It’s the woman’s fault that men cheat. Psht. Go ahead, check it out. It’s disgusting.

So, I’m curious. Why do men cheat? I know, I know. Men aren’t the only culprits, so, why do women cheat? Do you think that celebrity scandals have anything to do with views of what loyalty means? Have you ever cheated? I’m dying to know what you think.

My guilty pleasure. No, now get your mind out of the gutter. Ok, well, not completely.

HBO has stolen my heart again – and my Thursday nights.

Hung is a riveting series on HBO that centers on a father of two teenagers who goes through a messy divorce, deals with a custody battle, and on top of it all, his house burns down. As he is a high school basketball coach and detention supervisor, his finances are slim. And, of course, he never filed for homeowners insurance. He is left trying to rebuild his house and his family, alone.

The kids

After a one-night-stand with a homely yet interesting woman, he comes across an even more interesting opportunity – the chance to be a male gigolo. Yes, you heard right. He has the opportunity to GET PAID TO HAVE SEX. So, the show takes off switching between his life as a father and teacher and his life as a male prostitute. And, let me tell you, his sexcapades are anything but boring. Draws you in, right?

No, this isn’t a plug for Hung or for HBO, but, as a true writer, this show made me think.

How far would you go to get your family back? How far would you go to restore your home? Your life? Would you have sex for money if it was enough to rebuild your burned down house? To get your kids back?

The whole idea of prostitution strikes me.

Word association, “PROSTITUTE.”

• Tramp
• Colfax
• Red light district
• Fishnets
• Mini-skirts
• Drugs
• No self-esteem
• Dirty
• STDs
• Illegal
• Sex. With. Strangers.

But, this guy is normal! This guy is a SCHOOLTEACHER. What would you do if you found out your professor was a

PROSTITUTE?

The gigolo

I’d freak.

Of course, those words are generalizations and stereotypes that suburban kids are taught to associate with prostitution from the day they see broad daylight. And those kind of stereotypical prostitutes exist. I’ve seem ‘em.

But this guy, this guy, is just plain intriguing. I know, I know, it’s just a TV show. But I am a firm believer that TV shows can, and often do, stem from real life experiences. It makes me wonder if there is someone, or many someones, that partake in this yet are still able to lead normal lives. They become “creatures of the night.” And it must be exhausting leading this double life.

Back to the show.

The one-night-stander becomes his “pimp.” First of all, she’s female.

Word association: “PIMP.”

• Male
• Asshole
• Heartless
• Greedy
• Disrespectful (I wish there was a stronger word)
• Dirty
• 50 cent (had to throw that one in there)

The pimpess

Even Wikipedia is gender specific when it comes to defining a pimp, “A pimp (also called fleshmonger or Pander) finds and manages women (often young girls) who are vulnerable and susceptible, for what ever reason, to extreme manipulation and engages them in prostitution (in brothels and on the streets) in order to profit from their earnings.”

So, whoa. This show is redefining stereotypes all over the place.

Anyway, the pimpess calls their “business” Happiness Consultants. Wait. Hold up. Is this suggesting that meaningless sex with strangers will make you happy? Yes. Absolutely. And that’s how she pitches her business plan to potential clients. She convinces women that if they are lonely, unhappily married or seriously mentally disturbed (you should’ve seen that episode, holy crap) that the solution is to hire the Happiness Consultants and this strapping, “well hung” man will come to your house, have sex with you for a significant amount of money and *POOF* you will be happy.

Hmmm.

This seems problematic to me on so many levels. First, happiness doesn’t stem from meaningless sex. At least for me. When it comes to sex (mom, dad, grandparents, I’m sorry if you’re reading this), true happiness comes from having sex with someone you love. It’s an entirely different feeling than when you have sex with someone you don’t. When you sleep with someone you don’t love, or at least considerably care for, more times than not, it leaves you UNhappy. Wanting more. Wanting that emotional connection with that someone that you just can’t get when it’s just about the sex. Or the money (I’d imagine).

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had sex with people I haven’t significantly cared for (mom, dad, grandparents, I’m sorry again). But, as predicted, it didn’t leave me feeling any better about myself. It didn’t make me happy. It turned into an “oh, what did I do that for” moment.

And I could never, ever, ever, ever receive PAYMENT for having sex with someone. That’s when the childhood implanted stereotypes enter.

I can see the appeal, however. No attachments or strings attached. And that can definitely be exciting. But I guess I feel that is more about the immediate satisfaction. Not long term happiness.

Back to the question, though. How far would you go for your family? If you were dirt poor and needed to provide something, anything. What would you do? If the opportunity arose, would you have sex to make ends meet?

Think about it. Afterall, we are in a recession.

So, I just went through an interesting experience. One that I’ve been through before, but this time was a little different. The guy from my Chivalry Lives! post has officially told me he “just wants to be friends.” Not gonna lie, I saw it coming – he went to Chicago to visit a “good friend” of his and took three days to call me after he returned.

Not a huge deal, as we’ve only been seeing each other for about a month and I’m moving in August. But still caused me to think a little bit.

I’ve heard it before – “Let’s just be friends.” It’s a classic “I’m not really into you,” or “I met someone else” line. However, this time was a little different.

He meant it.

He went on and on about how he has so much going on in his life (blah blah) and how he’s under a lot of pressure (blah blah) but that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend. 

I said I understood, and he needs to do what’s best for him, but that I’m not sure we can “just be friends.” (My dad always says, “You can never have too many friends, Lauren.” But this is a little different.)

You see, I’m somewhat of a believer that it is very difficult for a guy and a girl to “just be friends.” Especially after they’ve already been seriously more than friends. I rarely talk to my exes because there will always be some emotional tie between us. We’ve shared ourselves with that person in ways that we don’t normally share with our friends. It’s nearly impossible to break that tie, and you definitely can’t just forget it ever happened.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of guy friends. But, they’re my friends now because we’ve “been there, tried that” and it didn’t work. Blame the sexual tension that inevitably exists between men and women. And you’ve also got the jealousy factor.

I probably couldn’t count the number of times I see relationships end (or at least turn into a fight) because of jealousy of a “friend” whether it’s the guy’s friend or the girl’s. Many times, it’s difficult to distinguish friendship from something more between a man and a woman. And more times than not, someone in the “friendship” always wants more.

Do I think it can be done? Yes. Is it very tricky? Absoultely.

Women and men can be just friends if:

• They don’t go out late at night often. Nighttime is breeding ground for sexuality and, especially if alcohol is involved, is generally bound to transform into something “more than friends-ish.”

• They have lunch instead of dinner. Lunch is pretty much a safe bet. It’s in the middle of the day, most of the time you have to get back to work, and there’s not the “we’re on a date” feel.

• They touch minimally. Even hugs these days can be deemed inappropriate behavior. Touching can send different messages – sometimes messages that you don’t want to send. As Phil Vassar says in “I’ll Take That As a Yes,”) – A little hug leads to a foot rub/Then a hot tub/Then a french kiss on a bear rug…

• They don’t share many secrets. Secrets create emotional bonds. Once emotional bonds are formed, they’re difficult to break. It’s best to keep your secrets to your same-sex friends or your significant other.

So, yes, it’s possible to be “just friends,” but not probable.

This guy didn’t quite get it. I asked him, “Do you think you could be around me and not kiss me, not cuddle with me, not hold my hand?” He said, “No, probably not. But why can’t we do all that and just be friends?”

In my book, you can’t have it both ways. C’est la vie. 

Attention: Spoilers ahead! (just in case you haven’t seen it)

I watched “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” last night for about the fifth time. It’s a pretty funny flick, but after this viewing, I have determined there’s more to it than just crude humor. 

The romantic comedy stars Jason Segal and Kristen Bell. Bell’s character, Sarah, dumps Segal’s character, Peter. The fact that he is buck naked as she breaks his heart is awkwardly humorous, yet irrelevant. Peter is devastated and, with the encouragement of a friend, sleeps with more than a handful of girls and then flies to Hawaii in order to lick his wounds. Of course, at the same hotel he arrives at, is his ex-girlfriend – with her new boyfriend. The story ensues as Rachel (Mila Kunis), the sexy receptionist allows Peter to stay in a suite for free, Peter follows Sarah and the new boyfriend around the resort, Peter falls for Rachel, Sarah wants Peter back, and ultimately, Peter chooses to follow his own dreams (of making a Dracula puppet show) and hopes one day Rachel will once again be by his side. All of this happens in one vacation to Hawaii.

Peter vacations to Hawaii three weeks after Sarah broke up with him. By the end of the vacation (which seems to last about a week), Peter is completely over Sarah and has moved on with Rachel.

Is this realistic? Is this healthy? I know, I know, this is just a movie. But many times, movies portray real-life situations. And in this case, a fairly common one – the art of healing and moving forward after a relationship ends.

It seems as if the consensus is that time is the most important factor in the healing process after a breakup. However, it is not just time that heals hearts. There’s no set amount of time, there’s no rule like the common myth “it takes two times the months you were in the relationship to get over it,” there are no predetermined paths to take. However long it takes, it’s what you do with that time that really determines whether or not your heart can heal.

Sure, take a day or two to wallow in your own self-pity. Use a friend’s shoulder to cry on while you try and figure out what went wrong, what you did to deserve this and how you can get them back. Once you’ve realized you’re better than that, that this relationship is not the end-all be-all of your existence, that you are ok, then you can focus your time on truly healing you. Each window of healing is different depending on the relationship; it is important to take all the time you need in order to fully heal before you establish something new.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is jumping into another relationship immediately after the previous one ended. Many people feel that if they can fill the void that was just left inside them, they never have to feel the pain and they can move on more quickly. This may be the case initially, however, just like in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” after Peter started falling for Rachel, he relapsed and hooked back up with Sarah (briefly). When you jump from relationship to relationship, you don’t let your heart heal. Instead, you rush into something else merely to replace what you just lost. More times than not, this doesn’t turn out well.

Another monumental mistake people tend to make is going back. No matter if you and your ex have decided to stay friends or make a clean break, it is so important to keep your distance. Especially in the first few weeks if not months after the breakup. This means don’t call, don’t text, don’t email, don’t Facebook stalk or chat online, and definitely don’t have sex. Once you feel you can talk on a completely friendly level, then you can reintroduce some of these communication methods. Except sex. It takes a long time to get over someone physically and if you buckle and go back to the sexual aspect of that relationship you will regret it. It’s not hard to get caught up in the moment, but it will be even harder to let it go again.

So, how do you use the time after a breakup wisely?

Do you.

• Get a mani/pedi or a massage or do something that calms you.

• Get a haircut – it seems that all women get somewhat of a makeover after a breakup. It’s a great confidence booster. Rock that new hair!

•  Spend time with your friends – your friends are the best tools to your healing process. They’re there to encourage, share laughs, share tears, and trash talk, of course.

•  Watch movies (preferably not lovey-dovey ones)

• Write. I know for me, writing is my therapy. Write about it.

• Start a new hobby. Give yourself something to think about other than your heartbreak.

• Spend time with your family – while they’ll ask those prying questions you don’t want to answer, it’s good to talk about it and get things off your chest.

• Take a class. Learning new things is always a good way to move on. Plus, you’ll get a chance to meet some new people!

• Stay active. Work out or join a team and play a sport. Competitiveness will help you get your aggression out in a healthy way.

• Most importantly: LET GO. You have your life and your goals and dreams. Focus on them.

Breakups are never easy. But there are ways to bounce back to them healthfully and without hurting yourself even more. Just take a step back, put everything back in perspective, and move forward at full speed.

So, I went on a date last night. I haven’t been on a real date in quite some time. You know, a real date – like when the guy actually puts some effort into planning some kind of outing for just the two of you. I know, seems outlandish, right?

It appears as if chivalry is a dying breed – that women don’t “need” polite men. However, a few manners never hurt anyone.

I met this guy at my work. We talked for a while and ended up exchanging phone numbers. He’s been keeping in touch with me for the past couple weeks and he took me out last night. He asked me what my favorite foods were and was worried that the place he picked for Greek food wasn’t going to be “fancy” enough. He showed genuine interest in making me happy. He opened the car door, doors to the restaurant and doors to Blockbuster. He paid for everything, held a great conversation and wasn’t uncomfortable at all throughout the night. We rented two movies (in case one was bad) and cuddled on the couch. We kissed at the end of the night, he never pushed for anything more. Then he drove home.

He was a perfect gentleman. And I loved every second of it.

It felt great being treated that way – kind of refreshing.

Why? You ask. I honestly don’t remember the last time someone was so polite and respectful to me. It’s disappointing. It seems like most guys are on the same track and either were never taught chivalrous behaviors or chose not to care enough to practice them. But, I can’t entirely blame the male gender.

It’s the woman’s fault not to hold men to the standards necessary to uphold the courtesy we deserve. Women are disrespected because we ask for nothing more. We don’t expect anything therefore we don’t get anything. We are taught now, to declare ourselves equal to men in all regards and we, therefore, are in no need of special treatment. Of course, I agree with this equality. However, women need to realize that chivalry shouldn’t be deemed condescending, instead, it’s a way of showing respect and affection.

I found, after this date, that if you hold someone to certain chivalrous standards, if they truly care, they will rise to these expectations.

And you can finally be treated the way you deserve.

Now, that’s refreshing.

What does it mean to be chivalrous?

I have worked in the restaurant industry for seven years. I have been a hostess, a waitress and a bartender. And I think I’ve pretty much seen it all.

 “Waiting,” starring Ryan Reynolds, is basically the story of my life in the food industry. Being a hostess and a waitress, you deal with a plethora of interesting situations.

You get the incredibly needy customers – you know, the ones that ask for a glass of water, and then when you return with the glass of water, they ask for a side of ranch, and then when you return with the side of ranch, they ask for a new fork, and so on. That’s called “running your server,” and people do it like it’s their job.

And then you get the couple that’s in the middle of a monumental feud. You’re standing in front of their table, ready to take their order, and there’s this intense cloud of awkwardness. It’s as if you walked into the middle of World War 1 and you definitely weren’t invited.

Next, you get the guy who sits at a four-top all by himself talking on his cell phone. You think to yourself, “Should I go over to him? Interrupt his phone call? If I do will he think I’m being rude? If I don’t will he think he’s getting poor service? And why in the hell does one guy who’s probably going to order $10 of food and going to tip me $2 need to take up a four-top and a screw me out of a potential $8 tip?”

Then you get the family with three kids that the parents let run rampant around the restaurant. First, the children are occupied for a split second by using crayons to vandalize the table. Then they’re amused by running around with balloons, nearly tripping all the servers carrying big trays full of drinks and entrees. Oh, and don’t forget the children that climb over the booths and wreak havoc on the neighboring table.

Being a bartender is slightly different. You deal with a different crowd of people. Sometimes, you still get the families with obnoxious children, but more often, you deal with drunk assholes.

As a bartender, you get the dirty old men, staring at you creepily from across the bar, waiting for you to acknowledge them so they can make some dirty, sexual remark that you just have to smile and nod off.

You get the alcoholics that sit at the end of your bar getting progressively more drunk throughout your shift, eventually looking as if they are about to fall asleep right in their whiskey.

You get the seducers. These are the best. These (for me) are guys that come in just to flirt. They drink, of course, and that’s their excuse for their lame pick-up lines and inappropriate comments. It turns nasty when they actually try to grab-ass. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to slap a customer across the face for putting their arm around me or trying to pull me onto their laps. It’s disgusting. Calling me “baby” or “sweetie” will not get you a free drink. In fact, I’m inclined to charge you as much as possible.

And, no. I will not give you my phone number.

I’ll be honest, sometimes bartenders, myself included, perpetuate this “naughty” behavior. I use the fact that I am a female, working in a predominately male environment, to my advantage. If you flirt a little bit, your tips seem to magically double. As long as you don’t cross the line, you’re in the clear. Comes with the job.

Working in the food industry also has its perks. Being social and able to talk to a variety of people has set me up with some fairly decent contacts throughout the years. I actually got an internship and several job offers while working as a bartender. You can make good friends and connections if you are friendly and cordial to customers. You develop regulars that can ultimately assist you in the future (such as in my current job search).

In general, I have loved working in the restaurant industry; I have met some great people, made some great money and had a great time.

A word to the wise; however, don’t mess with the people that handle your food.

We’ve all been there. And we’ve been on both sides of it. Why do people ask questions they really don’t want to know the answer to? And how do you answer questions you don’t necessarily want the other person to know the answer to? 

This is a timeless issue that people of all ages have dealt with in the past and more likely than not, will deal with in the future – the stupid questions that you have to ask but you really don’t want to know the answer to.

Here are a couple of questions that people ask all the time without really wanting to know the answer to:

Question: Do I look fat in this? 

Oh, this is a classic girl question. Does my ass look fat in these jeans? Does this dress make me look like a cow? Blah blah blah. Us girls don’t want to know what you really think about the jeans or the dress – we want to know you think we’re beautiful no matter what we’re wearing. It’s a shameless little confidence boost. Do not think, for one second, we truly want you to tell us whether we look fat or not. 

Answer: No, baby. You always look beautiful. 

Or just, “no.” No matter what, even if the jeans are six sizes too small, never, ever tell a girl she looks fat. She will A) never dress up for you again, B) never ask for your opinion again and C) will, not so kindly, let you know you’re definitely sleeping on the couch tonight.

Question: How many people have you slept with? 

Really? So you’re with your new boyfriend or girlfriend and they’re curious. But, they don’t really want to know how many people you’ve slept with. They just want to know that they are the best person you’ve slept with. Unless, of course, they’re asking for health reasons (which can be asked in the form of “have you been tested”) they don’t really want to know the number of sexual partners you’ve had. 

Answer: It doesn’t matter, I’m with you now, and that’s exactly where I want to be. 

Or some variation of, “Who cares how many people I’ve been with, I’m with you now and that’s all that matters to me. That’s really what they’re asking. They don’t want to know if you’ve been with three people or 36 people. They just want to know that the only thing that matters to you is being with them.

Question: If you could change anything about me, what would it be? 

Ugh. This question always makes me cringe. There is no humanly possible way for someone to be perfect. There are always little things people want to change. But where do you draw the line? Do you say you’d change nothing and be lying? Or do you say you’d change something physical? Or something emotional? Who knows. This one’s tricky. 

Answer: What you’re thinking, “you’re a little high strung” What you say, “I think you deserve to kick back and relax more.”

I know it sounds a little tacky, and that you may not really be answering the question, but everyone wants to believe they are perfect in other people’s eyes. And they definitely don’t want you to point out any specific flaws. So twist it. Twist the flaw into something positive – something they can improve upon, not that they’re afflicted with.

Question: If you could date one of my friends, who would it be? 

AH! What a terrible question! That’s just asking for trouble and no one really wants to know the answer. If you actually rattle off the name of one of your significant partner’s friends, you’re definitely in the doghouse. You must tread lightly. If you do give the name of one of their friends, think about this – now, your significant partner is going to watch you and their friend like a hawk to make sure there isn’t any “connection,” your partner isn’t going to trust you and will probably end up accusing you of cheating on them with that friend at some point in the remainder of your relationship. That may seem like an overgeneralization, but it will be at the very least, awkward, every time you two hang out with that friend. 

Answer: I wouldn’t date any of your friends, I’m with you. 

Unless you want serious trouble, just say no. Just say that if you wanted to date one of their friends, you would be. But you’re not. You’re with them.

There are many questions out there that people ask but don’t really want to know the answer to. If you’re on the asking end, ask yourself this, “Why are you really asking this question? Is it a personal insecurity issue? Are there other ways to achieve the reassurance you need?”

If you’re on the answering end, just pause and think, “Why are they really asking this question and how can you answer it wisely while still being honest?”

Regardless of the side of the question you’re on – just think. Do you really wanna know? Do they really wanna know?

The answer is: Probably not.

This film cracked me up. The short, witty one-liners were definitely a highlight. However, it was the concept of the film that really got me thinking. The movie is about a man who is getting married and is in search of a best man for his wedding. He goes on several “man-dates” in order to seek out the best fit for the position. He has no friends. According to his brother, he has always been a “girlfriend guy” where he bounces from relationship to relationship and leaves his friends in the dust, thus, leaving him with no friends whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong, I know this is just a movie, but movies can sometimes dictate real life. Let me break it down for you.

Here’s what I find interesting.

Maybe this is just coming from a female perspective, but it is girls who always seem to push their friends away when they get a boyfriend. I’m not being sexist here; this is just my observation and personal experience. Usually it’s the guy in the relationship who insists on having boy’s nights and not being taken away from his friends and it is the girl who is vying for every second of her boyfriend’s free time no matter what.

So, I appreciate the gender role reversal.

But is it realistic? Are there really guys out there that are so concerned with their girlfriend that they push away their guy friends? Or vice versa. Is that really a healthy relationship?

I know I’m far from perfect and even farther from an expert when it comes to relationships, and I am sure that I have pushed away a friend or six, but I believe there are three parts to a healthy, successful relationship.

You, me and us.

There has to be a separate you and a separate me in order for there to be a healthy us.  In other words, you don’t let another person or a relationship define who you are.  We’ve all heard the names “Brangelina” and “Bennifer.”  Those celebrity couples are prime examples of what happens when you let yourself become defined by the relationship you’re in; you lose your own identity. 

It is important to maintain your individuality and your own life in order to participate in a healthy relationship.

It all begins when you start to lean on your significant other.  When you begin to depend on them for certain things then you slowly lose a part of yourself.  Let’s separate these leaning points into three categories; financially, emotionally and physically. Remember, this is coming from a female perspective – not entirely objective.

Financially

Yes, it is considered chivalrous for a male to pay when taking a woman out on a date.  And I am not disagreeing with that.  However, once in a relationship, it’s important to let your boyfriend know that you can survive without him.  You may or may not work, but either way, you have to show that you have some source of income and that you’re independent enough to be able to at least pay for yourself if not for the both of you.  If you begin depending on him for money, food, or anything else that money can buy, then you’re giving up some of your independence.

It’s important to let your boyfriend know that you can hold your own; you are capable of taking care of yourself.  That way, it will never feel like it’s a chore taking care of you.  If he knows that you can do it yourself, then he feels as if he’s being thoughtful paying for you or doing other things to take care of you.

Emotionally

Men have this innate ability to grab a hold on a woman’s heart and allow her to think of nothing else but him.  He finds a way to make it so that your only goal is to figure him out; uncover what he really wants and what his intentions are.  Then, suddenly, it’s you and your girlfriends analyzing every word, every text message, every touch, every look, etc.  It slowly begins to consume you and eventually your happiness begins to depend on the way he is treating you.  If he calls, then it’s a good day, if he doesn’t, then you spend the day waiting for him to call and wondering what you did wrong in order for him to not call.  This wondering only leads to you calling him and then you begin the whole circle over again.

Bottom line: A man should never, ever determine your happiness.  You are in control of your own happiness; your own emotions.  Keep it that way.

Physically

A man may be stronger than you but that doesn’t mean you’re less capable.  You are just as capable.  It is a common misconception that women are weaker than men and therefore are frail and submissive.  However, it’s quite the contrary.  Women are perfectly capable of standing up and defending themselves, but they struggle with the idea because of the common conception that men are stronger and are undefeatable.  They are not.  In fact, they will respect you even more once they know that you know what you stand for and are willing to defend it.

As for physical contact. Yes, it is always nice to have someone to hold you, touch you, kiss you – but it is not vital to your survival. You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, sleeping alone and still being happy and content. You do not need him. Do not lean on your partner for physical comfort, trust me, you ultimately will not get what you are truly looking for.

In a healthy relationship, there has to be you, me and us. Without an independently healthy you and me, there will not be a combined healthy us. Your personal identity and individualism is more important than your relationship – and you’d be surprised at how much happier you are in a relationship when you are happy with yourself.

While I Love You, Man is only a film, I feel it depicts real life relationship issues and it brings to the forefront the importance of friendship. If you’re going to be in a relationship, make it a healthy one. Yes, healthy relationships are wonderful (and few and far between), marriages (not speaking from personal experience) are wonderful; however, friends will outlast the true test of time. 

Here’s a link to the trailer if you’re curious. It’s pretty funny.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has noticed the increase in racy ads on TV. Advertising and sex have been tied together since advertising really took off as a business. Sexually suggestive images are used to sell just about anything.

From the AXE campaign, the Lifestyles Skyn campaign, Clearasil, Herbal Essences, Carl’s Jr. to Guitar Hero, soft-core pornography is taking over family room TVs.

Is this appropriate? Necessary? Ethical?

These ads are directed toward teens or young adults. Is this really the image we want teens and young adults to see?

I can see both sides.

Yes: These ads are attention-grabbers

I’ll give ‘em that. Many of these ads depict real-life situations that teens and young adults face daily. Some argue that’s the entire point to these ads – to tell the audience that they’re not alone in what they are experiencing and there are healthy solutions.

For example, the new Lifestyles advertisement promotes safe sex and responsibility. However, the images used are extraordinarily graphic. Another however, the graphic images definitely grab the attention and have good intention.

Recently, MTV has been campaigning for everyone to get tested for STDs. They aired the movie Pedro, a story about a Real World contestant who later died of HIV. There have also been several advertisements for the Gardisil shot – the vaccine that prevents certain types of HPV, the most common STD among sexually active girls and can cause cervical cancer. These moving and sometimes uncomfortable messages are extremely valuable for people of all ages to hear.

The fact of the matter is that these issues are prevalent in today’s society. And, unfortunately, the age at which these ads become relevant decreases each year. When I was 15 things were different. And that wasn’t that long ago.

But the other question is: Should we be putting these graphic images into young minds?

This is similar to the debate about sex education in schools. Some argue that teachers should be realistic and teach how to have safe, protected sex. While others argue that schools should teach abstinence-only.

For me, abstinence only teachings seem a bit…let’s see…old fashioned. These days, kids are losing their virginities way earlier than we might think. It’s scary, really. Teaching that abstinence is the best policy is a good idea, but offering safe-sex options if one “chooses to forgo abstinence” is crucial.

However, these advertisements don’t exactly help the “abstinence is best” argument. These racy ads depict incredibly graphic sex scenes that can only put dirty ideas into young minds.

Should they only be offered on cable stations like HBO or SHOWTIME?

Who knows.

Honestly, the only solution to the issue at hand lies in parenting. It ultimately doesn’t matter whether your son or daughter has seen the racy ad on TV. What matters is if their parents have already talked to them about sex. If they’ve already opened the gateway to communication and made it okay for their son or daughter to talk to them about “uncomfortable” or “taboo” topics. That is what’s important.

Here are a couple links to the advertisements mentioned above. Viewer discretion is advised

AXE

Lifestyles

Herbal Essences

Clearisil

Carl’s Jr.

Guitar Hero