The questions keep getting better and better! Ask your questions for next Friday under the Ask Lauren tab!

Q from Ryan: I’ve been pondering/struggling with this question for some time now and figured I’d ask you as you seem good at thinking things through and giving advice. A friend of mine who graduated college a couple years ago told me the worst mistake he made in college was asking girls out on formal dates. Do you ever hear the phrase, “I just want to have fun, it’s college!” from someone you have been seeing for a bit and want to start a relationship with? Because that’s all I ever hear. It seems like the furthest thing on a college girl’s mind is a steady relationship. I just want to find a girl that would be fine with staying in on some Friday or Saturday nights, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie and maybe even throw in a bottle of wine or something. Every girl I start to talk to and “date” with seems to want the intimate parts of the relationship without any commitment. I heard the song “Friends, Lovers or Nothing” by John Mayer the other day and it summed up my situation perfectly. You are either friends, lovers or nothing. There can be no in between without hurt feelings, right? Out of those three options I always end up nothing. I don’t do “friends with benefits.” I just don’t. Too many hurt feelings and jealousy occur. So I guess, after that long rant, my question is: are all college girls alike in that they don’t want to be in a relationship or do I just need to keep looking? Where am I going wrong here? Thanks in advance and keep up the good work.

A: First of all, where the heck were you when I was in college? Let me just say that you are beyond the maturity level of the “average” college guy who would actually be thrilled if a girl told him she just wants to have fun, no commitments. I applaud you. You just have to remember, not all girls are alike. It sounds to me like you may just be fishing in the wrong pond. How are you meeting these girls? Class? Parties? How do you approach them? Casually? I agree with you when it comes to it being challenging to not get hurt when you’re in an “in-between” stage. From experience, that “in-between” stage is never mutual. Someone is always wanting more, and in my case, it was always me. Then there comes a point when you realize that the other person is never going to give you more, so you painfully move on. Some people can handle “friends with benefits.” I am not one of them, and it doesn’t sound like you are either. And that’s ok! Here’s the difference: we know what we want. We know what we deserve and what we are willing to compromise. And, like my last blog post exclaimed, DON’T SETTLE! College is tough because people are looking for very different things. And, unfortunately, you’re finding that girls are wanting to take advantage of their freedom and craziness before they’re wanting to settle down in a comfortable relationship. Once you start connecting with people of the same maturity level as you, you’ll score big time. See, they call people like us “hopeless romantics,” although, I don’t believe we are hopeless. In fact, I believe just the opposite. One day, maybe not today or tomorrow, we’ll find that person that fits the exact mold we’re looking for. You’ll find the girl that will want to stay in on some Friday nights cuddling with a bottle of wine. You will. You just have to be patient. And never, ever give up. Hope this helps

Q from Sarah: Well, I wanted to ask for some advice and words of inspiration on how the heck you managed to move to SF in the midst of this awful economy! I live in LA, and moving to SF has been my dream for years. I’m completely obsessed with the city and cant wait to live there. I am approaching the end of my graduate degree and will begin the SF job hunt soon. So my question is….any advice on the job hunt or finding an affordable apt? How are you liking the city so far? I could use some encouraging words.

A: I know exactly how you feel! As I’m sure you read, I fell in love with San Francisco two summers ago and it was my dream to move out here. After I graduated from college, I was determined to find a job and get myself out here – even if it meant working at a bar or a restaurant part-time to make ends meet. But, I got lucky. Finding my current job was a “right place, right time, right qualifications” kind of situation. It’s definitely not the norm, however, I’ve had other friends in the city find jobs they love as well. There are jobs here, no matter what other people tell you. You just have to be creative. Use the Internet. Look on career sites like LinkedIn, Monster, Indeed, etc. Also, look on sites that appeal to your niche (I’m not sure what you’re interested in doing, but there are job sites/postings for everything). Since this is a downturned economy, there are a lot of people applying for jobs. So, like I said, get creative. What makes you different than the girl next to you applying for the same job? Add some flare to your resume. Be friendly and outgoing in your cover letter. Remain professional, but add creativity and originality in everything you send a potential employer. Use your connections. Who you know can really benefit you. And, never give up. Don’t get discouraged if the first 10, heck the first 15, interviews don’t come to fruition. Keep applying and don’t get discouraged. It’s also incredibly important to follow up (I’m sure you know this). But do so in creative, original ways as well. Use social networks. Make connections. Make yourself heard.

As far as apartments go, there is no such thing as a cheap apartment in San Francisco. Unless, you have lots of roommates. In my case, I’m paying for location because it is important for me to be able to walk to work. There are lots of little districts (I’d be happy to share my insight on those if you’d like) and the outskirts of the city tend to be a little less expensive. Just assume that rent is going to be the biggest bill you have to pay, and then you can budget from there. Craigslist is a great resource.

How am I liking the city so far? Man, I love it more and more each day. It was by far and away the best decision I’ve ever made. Hope I helped! Good luck!

We’ve all been there. And we’ve been on both sides of it. Why do people ask questions they really don’t want to know the answer to? And how do you answer questions you don’t necessarily want the other person to know the answer to? 

This is a timeless issue that people of all ages have dealt with in the past and more likely than not, will deal with in the future – the stupid questions that you have to ask but you really don’t want to know the answer to.

Here are a couple of questions that people ask all the time without really wanting to know the answer to:

Question: Do I look fat in this? 

Oh, this is a classic girl question. Does my ass look fat in these jeans? Does this dress make me look like a cow? Blah blah blah. Us girls don’t want to know what you really think about the jeans or the dress – we want to know you think we’re beautiful no matter what we’re wearing. It’s a shameless little confidence boost. Do not think, for one second, we truly want you to tell us whether we look fat or not. 

Answer: No, baby. You always look beautiful. 

Or just, “no.” No matter what, even if the jeans are six sizes too small, never, ever tell a girl she looks fat. She will A) never dress up for you again, B) never ask for your opinion again and C) will, not so kindly, let you know you’re definitely sleeping on the couch tonight.

Question: How many people have you slept with? 

Really? So you’re with your new boyfriend or girlfriend and they’re curious. But, they don’t really want to know how many people you’ve slept with. They just want to know that they are the best person you’ve slept with. Unless, of course, they’re asking for health reasons (which can be asked in the form of “have you been tested”) they don’t really want to know the number of sexual partners you’ve had. 

Answer: It doesn’t matter, I’m with you now, and that’s exactly where I want to be. 

Or some variation of, “Who cares how many people I’ve been with, I’m with you now and that’s all that matters to me. That’s really what they’re asking. They don’t want to know if you’ve been with three people or 36 people. They just want to know that the only thing that matters to you is being with them.

Question: If you could change anything about me, what would it be? 

Ugh. This question always makes me cringe. There is no humanly possible way for someone to be perfect. There are always little things people want to change. But where do you draw the line? Do you say you’d change nothing and be lying? Or do you say you’d change something physical? Or something emotional? Who knows. This one’s tricky. 

Answer: What you’re thinking, “you’re a little high strung” What you say, “I think you deserve to kick back and relax more.”

I know it sounds a little tacky, and that you may not really be answering the question, but everyone wants to believe they are perfect in other people’s eyes. And they definitely don’t want you to point out any specific flaws. So twist it. Twist the flaw into something positive – something they can improve upon, not that they’re afflicted with.

Question: If you could date one of my friends, who would it be? 

AH! What a terrible question! That’s just asking for trouble and no one really wants to know the answer. If you actually rattle off the name of one of your significant partner’s friends, you’re definitely in the doghouse. You must tread lightly. If you do give the name of one of their friends, think about this – now, your significant partner is going to watch you and their friend like a hawk to make sure there isn’t any “connection,” your partner isn’t going to trust you and will probably end up accusing you of cheating on them with that friend at some point in the remainder of your relationship. That may seem like an overgeneralization, but it will be at the very least, awkward, every time you two hang out with that friend. 

Answer: I wouldn’t date any of your friends, I’m with you. 

Unless you want serious trouble, just say no. Just say that if you wanted to date one of their friends, you would be. But you’re not. You’re with them.

There are many questions out there that people ask but don’t really want to know the answer to. If you’re on the asking end, ask yourself this, “Why are you really asking this question? Is it a personal insecurity issue? Are there other ways to achieve the reassurance you need?”

If you’re on the answering end, just pause and think, “Why are they really asking this question and how can you answer it wisely while still being honest?”

Regardless of the side of the question you’re on – just think. Do you really wanna know? Do they really wanna know?

The answer is: Probably not.