I spent the past three days in Colorado. I had purchased a discounted ticket a few months back with some coworkers with the intent of spending the weekend on the slopes showing them around my precious Rocky Mountains. As the trip approached, I had to make a decision: show my coworkers from San Francisco around the mountains, or spend time with family and friends in Denver. I opted to spend the weekend catching up with family and friends.

It was an amazing weekend. Spectacular.

I spent Friday night sitting around my Bubbie’s kitchen table reenacting plays she had written in the 70s. She hasn’t been feeling well for a while and isn’t very talkative. But to see her, smiling, laughing, singing made up songs that she wrote 40 years ago, literally brought tears to my eyes. It was in incredible experience – memories and moments that will last forever.

I spent Saturday at my best friend’s baby shower. This was super weird and incredible at the same time. First of all, I can’t believe that my best friend is having a baby. That I’m going to be “Auntie Lo.” That she is so incredibly blessed with an incredible husband and soon will be even more blessed with a beautiful baby girl. But I really can’t believe that I’m not in Colorado, with her, to go through all of this by her side. It’s heart wrenching.

My mom came to the baby shower with me - we spent a lot of time together this weekend. She just moved into a brand new apartment and I finally got to see it. In fact, it inspired me to do a little decorating myself. She works from home and on the days that I was in Colorado and had to work, we were able to work together. It’s always good to spend time with her, and we never get enough of it.

Saturday night was spent downtown Denver with 8 of my closest friends. Friends that I’ve known since I was two, and friends that I met in college, friends that I’ve grown close to over the years. It was a teary reunion, although it didn’t feel like we skipped a beat. I love that feeling – when you pick up exactly where you left off. That’s true friendship.

Sunday I spent the day with my stepmom. This time was amazing. We haven’t been able to really spend a lot of time together just the two of us. I miss the girl talks we’d always have. I’m so fortunate to have a stepmom as incredible as mine – that doesn’t happen all the time. We can talk about anything and everything, and we did.

Monday I was able to spend time with my GaGa and Pa. Although it was a short breakfast, I’m glad we were able to spend time together. My GaGa is the one who brought me to San Francisco on vacation two years ago and helped me fall in love with the city. It’s really because of that trip that I’m even here, so being able to catch up with her was amazing. My Pa just had one of his plays put on in Denver. I’m very proud of the work he’s done and what a talented writer he is (must be where I get it from:)).

My trip to Colorado outdid all my expectations. It was incredible to go back and visit everything I left behind in such a rush. The timing is very interesting as well. Just as I really settled in in San Francisco, just as I started making real, true friends, just as I continue to love my job more and more each day – I go back. I left San Francisco saying, “I’m not going home, home is in San Francisco now!” And now I’m leaving Colorado saying, “I’m homesick and I haven’t even left Colorado yet.”

I miss it. I miss the smell of my mom’s house. I miss my yellow room. I miss my Dusty. I miss cuddling with my dad before bed. I miss the adventure of living in Boulder. I miss my college roommate. I miss the girls nights – eating Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream, watching episodes of Chris Rock, on our floor. I miss my best friend. I miss getting handed a bottle of vodka while stuck in traffic on I-25 and dancing to the Casper Slide in the car on the way to the club. I miss the color-coded lists of boyfriends. I miss driving. I miss the snow (kind of). I miss the comfort of knowing that everyone I love, everyone I’m close to, is right here.

But things change. People grow. My mom sold our childhood house and moved into a swanky little apartment downtown. My best friend’s mom did the same. My dog passed away about a month ago – now my dad’s house feel empty. My best friend is married and having a baby in two months. My college roommate and I have sadly lost touch. All of this, in the last eight months that I’ve been in San Francisco. And I missed it all. While I was doing my own growing. In my new home.

So what happens when your heart is in two places you call home? What I have to remember is that it’s ok to get homesick (for whichever home that may be). It’s ok to feel nostalgic. And it’s ok to miss the ones I love. Moving to San Francisco was the best choice I’ve ever made. I made it for me. My life has been a fairy tale and I haven’t really had a chance to sit and breathe – think about the past eight months and reflect. This trip to Colorado forced me to.

I have two homes now. So what? I have a big heart. There’s plenty to go around…

I was 12. I was attending West Middle School in Greenwood Village, Colo., and was in the seventh grade. It was a normal Tuesday. For me at least.

While I was in school that day, two students at a neighboring High School just less than ten miles away were on a killing rampage.

After word of the shooters got out, our school went on lockdown. At that point, no one really knew the details of what was going on. I remember turning on TVs in my language arts class, trying to gain a sense of what was actually occurring just a few miles away. All we knew was that two students at Columbine High School were shooting and killing fellow classmates inside the school.

I was terrified.

I remember getting onto the bus after the school terminated the lockdown. I remember how silent the bus ride was. No one knew what to say. Once at my bus stop, I raced home to glue myself to the TV where every single news channel was covering the perimeter of Columbine. Watching. Waiting.
 

The two perpetrators, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 12 students, one teacher and injured 24 other victims before committing suicide.

Ten years later, I am still haunted by the thoughts of Columbine and the various other school shootings that have occurred throughout the years. The most recent being Virginia Tech which trumped Columbine for the nation’s deadliest school shooting on April 16, 2007.

It’s unfathomable.

I have never understood it, nor will I ever.

I have never understood how two people can go on a killing spree, killing and injuring dozens of their peers. I have never understood how their parents didn’t know, or didn’t care to show any interest in the mental well-being of their sons. I have never understood why the police didn’t act sooner – didn’t try to stop them.

Maybe it’s naiveté. Maybe I just don’t understand how people work. But, I do feel this could have been prevented. 15 lives could have been saved. And other similar attacks on other schools could have been avoided.

People are crazy. Watch the world around you. Be aware of your surroundings. And never, ever go one day without telling the people closest to you that you love them.

Here are some news stories you might find interesting:

Remembering Columbine

Columbine Survivors Seek Good From Tragedy

The Real Story of Columbine

It’s always bittersweet returning home from a trip.  Especially a great one.

My trip last week to San Francisco was incredible. It was different than a usual spring break vacation. I went to California with my roommate – we stayed with my cousin who lives in a fantastic apartment four blocks from Union Square. We didn’t ride the ferry to Sausalito, see Alcatraz or take a bus tour. No, my roommate and I met with various business people around the city. We had appointments every day – as if we lived there. This is what we hope to do after we graduate. 

The city is amazing.

All of the crazy things people tell you about San Francisco are real. I love the reality of the big city. I love walking everywhere, everything being within walking distance. I love how you can be in over seven different countries within ten blocks of San Francisco – from India to Little Italy to Russian Hill to Chinatown all the way to Pakistan and Korea. The food is fantastic. The little mom-and-pop restaurants are to die for. I even loved the homeless man who skipped across the street in a pink leotard, tutu and army boots. I love the feeling of the city – being surrounded by strangers, the hustle and bustle of life.

I love it all.

Am I scared? Hell yes. Not only does the job market SUCK right now, almost all of my entire family is in Colorado. I am extremely close with my family and it is terrifying to not be a 45 minute drive away.

But I have to do this. I have to spread my wings.

And hope I can fly.