If you’re anything like me, this question made you stop and think. Hmm. What exactly does that mean? Am I?

Let’s break it down. We’ve all had ‘em. You know, those past relationships that you look back and wonder why they ever happened. You wonder what you were thinking and how you could possibly have been so head over heels for a person whom you have come to learn is totally opposite everything you’ve ever wanted or deserved. You start to question your judgment. You question your values. You tear yourself apart because you just can’t fathom the idea that you wasted x amount of time with that person. You wonder if you’ll ever find love again. And then you sssslllloooooowwwllllyyyy move on.

Then what?

Then, you meet someone new. A person you think is different from the last person. Why do you just think that? Because you compare. You compare what they do, how they eat, what they wear, when they call you, what they call you, how they kiss you, ev-ery-thing.

It’s second nature to compare what you’ve once had with something that is unknown. It’s natural to be scared of getting into something new. But living in the past isn’t beneficial for either member of the relationship. Because they are not your ex. Just because your ex cheated on you and broke your heart doesn’t mean your new someone will. Just because your ex treated you like shit and took you for granted doesn’t mean your new someone will.

I know it’s hard. We begin to analyze what they’re doing and see if it bares any resemblance to the disaster that was your last relationship. We fabricate scenarios inside our heads and convince ourselves that this new someone will, in fact, hurt you. They will, in fact, end up just like your ex. And you will, in fact, end up in the same battered and bruised shape you were in after your ex.

As hard as it may seem, you have to let go.

Anytime we bring our past experiences, both positive and negative, into present reality, we’re having what’s called a “transference reaction.” Transference is the “unconscious reassignment of feelings from previous relationships to present ones, and the unconscious reenactment of the dynamics of past relationships into current ones.”

It’s not just you. We all systematically misperceive others as a result of overgeneralizing previous learning and applying it to the present situation.

When you’re forming new relationships, you must remember how transference works. Your past does affect how you perceive people right now, but working through those perceptions will lead to the greater possibility of a healthy relationship.

Remember; we live, we learn, we grow. And the only way to grow is to move forward.

So, how do you move forward and not linger in the past?

Step one is taking a look at these past relationships that are haunting you. Look at them closely and honestly. Determine your role in what went wrong in the relationship and take responsibility for it. Done and done.

It’s easy to get stuck on step one, though. Sometimes, this look in the past and identifying personal shortcomings in past relationships leads to a not-so-hot level of negativity. Attitude is everything. Remember that every mistake is a learning experience and anyone (including you) can start with a fresh slate.

Step two is to be honest and true with yourself. If something genuinely doesn’t feel right, follow your intuition. But think about it – is it because one of those old relationship-devastating patterns is beginning to take over? Look back at those unsuccessful relationships and realize that now is the time to try something different.

See, look. You’re already thinking forward and not back.

The past is the past. And you’ve learned from it. It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to you to linger in what’s already happened. And let’s be honest – no one likes heavy baggage. Focus on the future and making this relationship succeed because it’s different from any past relationship you’ve had.