I have worked very hard to achieve my independence. As a woman, I am proud to say I am comfortable with being left in my own company. I am all right staying home on a Friday night, watching bad TV, by myself. I have never been more comfortably spontaneous in my life.
A couple years after my last serious, long-term relationship, I am happily single and proud of it. My life is full and complete, and I’m happier now than I have ever been – even what I was with someone else. If I want to date, I can. And I can come home to my own place afterward. I have no restrictions or social obligations. I come and go as I please, make plans, break plans, and choose what I want to do and with whom I want to do it.
With this independence comes a shift in traditional gender roles. I don’t need anyone around me – I am perfectly content by myself. I don’t need to be taken care of – I can take care of myself. I don’t need someone to pay for things – I make enough money to live comfortably. I don’t need anything.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t want companionship and friendship and someone to get close with. However, if that person comes into my life, I will not compromise my independence.
I have always believed there are three parts to a relationship.
You, me and us.
There has to be a separate you and a separate me in order for there to be a healthy us. In other words, you don’t let another person or a relationship define who you are. We’ve all heard the names “Brangelina” and “Speidi.” Those celebrity couples are prime examples of what happens when you let yourself become defined by the relationship you’re in; you lose your own identity. Your independence.
It is important to maintain your individuality and your own life in order to participate in a healthy relationship.
It all begins when you start to lean on your significant other. When you begin to depend on them for certain things then you slowly lose a part of yourself.
And that’s just something I’m not willing to do.
But what happens when it comes time to integrate someone else into your autonomous lifestyle? What happens when someone is asking you where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing? What happens when you’re trying to let someone in?
I cringe.
I like my freedom. I don’t like needing to tell someone where I am or what I’m doing. I don’t like to feel obligated to report in to someone. I want nothing more than the natural progression to be easy.
Navigating this new territory can be challenging – especially when you’re used to doing it yourself for so long.
The idea of letting your guard down and allowing someone into your heart is terrifying. No one wants to be the one to give in first to a display of vulnerability.
Generally speaking (and stereotypically), the avoidance of intimacy is traditionally a male’s domain. However, women are catching up in the fear of commitment
Modern society imposes so many requirements and expectations on what makes a “good catch,” it’s that much harder to determine whether someone is good for you. Mix this in with the new societal acceptance of female independence from a man and you have a recipe for disaster.
How are you supposed to maintain this independence while allowing yourself to be vulnerable? How can you hold true to everything you’ve worked for while simultaneously letting someone in just enough to be able to tear everything down?
Word. I think (and write) about this stuff a lot. The old-fashioned 50s housewife in me wants to give all of myself over to someone else: there’s something very specifically old world romantic about that notion. But it’s also just not healthy, or practical, and is ultimately bad for everyone involved in the relationship. It’s difficult to figure out how to reconcile your independence with the desire to share your life with someone else. I think the #1 thing is communication–telling someone when you feel suffocated, or when you feel alone. Talking doesn’t solve everything, but I’ve found it solves a lot.
Absolutely. Communication is key in resolving differences and making sure you’re staying true to yourself while working to make someone else happy! Thanks for “getting it” 🙂
I usually love to yell out, “FIRST!” when I comment but Jessica beat me.
There are some people who don’t want separation. They don’t want to stand on their own two feet and they carefully balance an outside world individual identity while having the support of someone at home.
I could be “Adam jackson” in tech. I could speak, travel, write and photograph. I could have coffee with founders and be recognized on the street while someone at home is making dinner and looking forward to the evening with me. When it comes to coffee with an entrepreneur or lunch with my partner, I choose her. That’s the benefit of this is that yes we have our separate identities but if given a choice, we choose that person and no one else.
I don’t feel that there’s anything socially or personally important to standing on your own two feet. Animals (including humans) are meant to have a life partner. They’re meant to have a mate. Male and female are two sides, two personalities and two electricity forces that influence a child. They’re two forces that come together to make decisions and choose what to do and where to go. It’s yin and yang.
The situation of same sex relationships are no different because, I believe and have witnessed men who are married who clearly have their gender roles “figured out” If both are playing the role of the male, it’s not a relationship that will last. Nature has a way of working things like that out.
I don’t want to be perfectly okay with living alone and I believe that there are life consequences of choosing this path.
I’m not saying you’re choosing to be alone and I’m glad you’re happy but the joys of having a child, sharing a home, sharing responsibilities and combining your income are all great reasons for finding a mate early on. Professional couples who wed at 25, are more likely to have amassed a large savings by the time they’re in their 40s if he’s making 105K and she’s making 65, the lifestyle, health, fitness and living arrangements are far greater than a woman who is single into her 30s.
There’s also this risk of growing bitter, picky or generally against marriage the longer you wait. My standards are only compounded by something this girl had + something this girl had and I want this super wife that has the best aspects of every girl + be a red head and now I’ve narrowed it down to like 3 women in the entire world that meet my expectations. Oh and she has to have a healthy 401K.
it’s great to be okay on your own but if I didn’t know you (which I do), my first assumption was that this is simply a vocal rationalization as to why you’re single to simply make up for the fact that you don’t have someone to go home to and you’re hurting every day.
I compare this piece to something I wrote in 2008
http://blog.adam-jackson.net/2009/10/03/avoiding-burn-out-a-workaholics-guide/
I wrote this as a response to people who were saying that I was working too much. The reason I was working so much is that I hated myself. I hated who I was becoming. I had no friends, I was unhappy. I was so commited that striking it rich in a startup was the secret to happiness that I poured my entire life into it and wrote this as a public explanation of why I was working so much when really…I wanted to be with friends, I missed my family and I wanted to have someone to hold.
My dad asked me when I told him i was going to go a year without sex, “are you sure this is a personal victory or are there other emotional issues like your weight, losing laura or other things that are keeping you from being intimate with someone?”
It made me think. I went 15 months without sex anyway but I had to ask myself. Was this “goal” simply my way of not facing reality and dealing with my demons. That’s what you have to ask yourself.
You’re a very smart person. Your knowledge and wisdom about life excite me just knowing you. You are only going to grow smarter but sometimes we rationalize our band-aids by writing down some excuse when really we’re just hiding from the truth that we don’t want to be hurt again or some other reason.
I don’t know why I do what I do most of the time but I try to figure it out instead of just putting a band-aid on it.
Just my thoughts (and don’t be mad at me)
Holy crap that was long.
GET YOUR OWN BLOG!!! You’re comments just keep getting longer and longer 🙂
I have to disagree with you on this one — first, I think you may have misinterpreted what I’m really saying.
For the first time in my whole life, I don’t rely on someone else to make me happy. I choose to make myself happy and that is number one priority for me. The ability to be confident in yourself without depending on the compliments or treatment of others is a feat not easily conquered. This is not about band-aids. This is about believing in yourself enough that you don’t *need* someone else to make you proud, happy, free.
But, as I said,
“That doesn’t mean that I don’t want companionship and friendship and someone to get close with. However, if that person comes into my life, I will not compromise my independence.”
I’ve just learned that there are certain things I am unwilling to give up in order to share my life with someone. But that’s just it… it’s *sharing* your life, not *giving* your life that makes the difference.
Okay. Yeah I wasn’t saying that’s what was it. Just giving my opinion because it sounded a lot like me when I was justifying my life style and making excuses. that’s all
and honestly. I wrote that in 4 minutes and hit send then said, “holy crap that’s long” i’m really sorry.
Haha, no worries, Adam. I love your comments. Always!
I completely understand the idea of justifying and making excuses, I just wanted to be clear that’s not what I’m doing. Your opinion is always appreciated 🙂
The only thing this blog is missing is a Venn diagram with you me and us in between. Well written per usual. As for the independence, I’m too independent to a point where I’d almost rather have more space than less.
Ooh, a venn diagram! Good idea! With all independence battles, there comes give and take — the best relationships are based on compromise. Just make sure you know what you’re willing to compromise and what you’re not.
I love that I can rely on and depend on someone. It’s not to say those same things cannot be done on my own or that they take away from my independence, but it’s the sharing of the tasks/responsibilities that I enjoy and knowing that should I be having an off-day, there’s someone there to lean on.
Absolutely! It’s all about finding the balance between wanting (and liking) and needing. That balance is difficult to find, but incredibly rewarding when found.
Narcissism, flakiness, overinflated ego and subversion of human connections do not equal independence. Just because you are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship it doesn’t make you some new age feminist warrior. It makes you a sick, lonely and pathetic individual incapable of establishing a relationship because you refuse to accept and avoid your own selfishness, impatience and lack of courtesy.
This type of “independence” you speak of has nothing to do with gender roles. In fact, men fall on both ends of this spectrum as well. What it has to do with is the condition of an overly-individualistic society that sacrifices family, friendship and greater good for the pursuit of personal wealth and career advancement. What you’re doing isn’t something innovative or new, it’s a product of the extremely lonely and ever-worsening condition of society. Get over yourself.
Brian- I don’t know you (nor do I care to after your uncalled for response to Lauren’s blog post). It’s very clear you have NEVER met Lauren, as your comments are completely false and just plain rude.
I don’t disagree with you and your opinion about society. I think we all make our own choices about what we value in our own lives and what we have to sacrifice to become a successful person. Often times is seems we put our friends, spouses, and family on the back burner in order to better ourselves professionally. There’s no right or wrong, as it’s a PERSONAL choice. Lauren was simply stating her OPINION and how she struggles with it in her own life. While we are all allowed to have our own opinion, I think it’s extremely unfair of you to call her a narcissist, flaky, and having an overinflated ego without ever meeting her.
in other words: Don’t be a fuck-face, Brian! Go stalk some other blog with your asshole comments!
It’s my opinion, and since it’s an opinion it’s technically a fact, so in fact it’s a fact. It is also a fact that when you decide to air your personal life on a blog that whoever the fuck wants to can come along and say whatever they well please. If you don’t want people to question your beliefs then don’t place them in a public forum.
Casi, I am pretty sure that is not what she is saying, as her response was actually intelligent and well thought out. Also, how is it possible to stalk someone with asshole comments? If I were to stalk someone, it would be with binoculars, a black hoody and a long serrated knife.
My blog is not a forum. And as you stated, it is my personal life. I believe in “living out loud” and I write for ME on my blog, not for others. I have learned that much of what I experience, others have as well and can relate to. That said, you are correct in that when I decided to “air my personal life” in a medium where anyone can read I was also leaving it open for commentary and disagreement.
I welcome any comments that question or challenge my beliefs, experiences, writing-style, what have you. I do not expect everyone to agree with me or relate to my experiences. I thrive on constructive criticism and I am always interested in other points of view. However, I do not, and will not, tolerate comments that are abusive of any kind. If you wish to continue with malicious behavior, please take it elsewhere.
As expressed in my disclaimer: “Feel free to challenge me, disagree with me, or tell me I’m completely nuts in the comments section of each blog entry, but I reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason whatsoever (abusive, profane, rude, or anonymous comments) – so keep it polite, please.”
Thank you!