I was told yesterday, by my mother, that I need to keep writing from my heart. That my posts on my blog are about important things in my life and that I need to continue to write and express myself, no matter what.

Well, my relationship with my mother is important to me, so I’m going to write about it.

My parents got divorced when I was seven. Like most divorces, it wasn’t easy. And to this day, it’s still not easy. Even while living on my own, I still feel the guilt of trying to spend my time with each parent equally. Many times, I feel as if I’m “walking on eggshells” in order to not hurt someone’s feelings by not making everything perfectly equal. I constantly need to make sure I tell each parent individually what’s going on in my life. It can be quite draining, really.

My mom and I got into a little fight yesterday. It was a heated conversation we’ve had before, and have had many similar ones in between. They all seem to boil down to the different relationships I have with each of my parents.

My mother and father are two very different people; therefore, I have two very different relationships.

This is normal.

A mother-daughter relationship is different that a father-daughter one. Trust me on this one. And as much as I hate to generalize, but the saying, “men are logical, women are emotional,” rings somewhat true when it comes to my relationships with my parents.

My mom is a wonderful mother. Brandon and I are her life. She has raised us as a single mom for the majority of both of our lives, and for that I respect her. Life hasn’t been a walk in the park for her, and I know that. And I truly appreciate everything she’s done.

The problem is that she doesn’t see what she’s done. She’s blinded by her own insecurities and they’re truly detrimental to her life and can affect her general perspective. She thinks that because I have big, important talks with my dad, that, in turn, I don’t talk to her about important things. She thinks that I only talk to her about the little, insignificant things in my life and that, therefore, makes her insignificant. She feels as if she hasn’t made an important impact on my life. She feels that her relationship with me isn’t as good as my relationship with my father.

Let’s break it down.

I have big, important talks with my dad and don’t talk to her about important things

Communication methods are always different when it comes to sharing things with your parents. Yes, I talk to my dad about different things than my mom. But, in my mind, neither conversation is necessarily more important than the other. They’re just different.

Communication between a mother and a daughter, and a father and a daughter is not always the same. I tell my mom things about my personal life that I would never dream of telling my dad. And my dad keeps me grounded and on track when it comes to big life decisions. My parents serve somewhat dissimilar purposes in my life. And that’s ok. And it doesn’t mean that either purpose is less significant than the other, it’s just different.

She hasn’t made an important impact on my life

Um, hello? She birthed me. That’s a hell of an impact considering the fact that I wouldn’t be alive if she hadn’t…

Humor aside, of course my mother has made an impact on my life. This feeling stems from her own insecurities and the fact that she doesn’t see the impact. But why?

Well, most times the impact you have on someone isn’t always apparent immediately, even to the person you’ve impacted. For example, I did not realize the impact my experiences at CU had on my life until about fifteen minutes into the graduation ceremony. That doesn’t mean that CU hadn’t been impacting my life for the past four years, it just means that many times, impact isn’t realized until later in the game. (Not really an equivalent example, but you get the idea).

So, just because the impact may not be dressed in neon colors and brightly obvious, doesn’t mean it isn’t there, and hasn’t been there all along.

She feels that her relationship with me isn’t as good as my relationship with my father

Comparisons tend never to equal out, so why make them about something so important? Like I said before, my relationship with my father and my relationship with my mother are very different. However, I see myself as being extremely close to both parents, just in different ways.

My mom is her own person. My dad is his own person. (How they were ever married, I will never understand). BUT, they have both been outstanding parents and I wouldn’t be who I am today without their constant love and support.

In general, it is highly unproductive and, quite frankly, can be incredibly detrimental for anyone to put someone in the position to compare their mother and father.  In any aspect. Whether they’re divorced or not.  And insecurities and neediness for reassurance isn’t a way to build a relationship. Any type of relationship.

Bottom line: It’s all about perspective. You either choose to have a positive perspective, or you choose to have a negative one. I could sit here all day and explain how each parent has impacted my life and played a significant role in my growth. But to me, that just seems so obvious.

What my mom needs to think about is that she is in control of her life and her relationships. She should work on building them and creating constructive conversations. If there’s something she wants to know or be a part of, do it. Know that she never has been and never will be insignificant. But now, it’s time for acceptance. Acceptance that people are different, relationships are different, and that doesn’t mean that one is better than the other.

She should know that. And that she is loved very much.

The past is the past. Now, let’s focus on the future.