Admitting I’m going through a time of self-discovery and learning is more difficult than I had imagined. But we’re always discovering new things about ourselves, right? Perhaps. But when I’m brutally aware of these discoveries, sometimes, it’s painful.

My dad has always told me, “timing is everything in life,” and I’m beginning to realize this may have more validity than I had known.

As timing would have it, the man from the airplane I had been corresponding with and subsequently lost touch with reached out, apologized for his absence. His excitement to reconnect was contagious. I was drawn to him in a way where I felt I could share what had been going on. In my life. In my head. I didn’t go into details (some things are just not anyone’s business), but I did say this:

“I’m repeating old patterns. Patterns I vowed to myself I would never repeat. It frightens me to think how easy it is to slip into what used to be comfortable. Expected. What past experience has taught me I could handle. I’m ready to fight the pattern, get back on track, and find peace and happiness while staying true to myself and what I deserve.”

And I am. I am ready for all of the self-discovery I can get because I am completely and utterly sick of this. And as much as I want to blame someone else, in reality, the issue lies within none other than yours truly.

Intuition never ceases to amazing me. He responded to my email:

“Just be gentle with yourself in your hour of ambivalence and weakness. Love your way out of it.”

Love my way out of it.

You see, I am extraordinarily hard on myself. I rarely, if ever, blame others for the situations I’m in. Circumstance? Maybe. But I’ll always find a way to make it my fault. My decision. I did this to myself. After all, I create my realities, right? How he picked up on all of these nuances? Maybe I’m more transparent than I thought.

We exchanged a few other emails, and during this conversation, he wrote something that especially resonated:

“We have learned how to compromise the best in order to settle for the most immediate sense of gratification even when it is embarrassingly minimal to what we truly want for our lives…Every person has personal weaknesses that can disturb the balance needed in achieving happiness and success in life.”

Part of my self-discovery will hopefully come with the understanding that I’m okay. It’s okay. We are our own worst enemy, and I need to stop being so hard on myself. Sometimes? Sometimes the situation just fucking sucks, and that’s okay, too. I am only human. I make mistakes. And sometimes, things are completely out of my control and I am a victim of the tornado it leaves behind. I need to take a step back, look at what my role was in the tornado, and learn from it while accepting there were many other unknown factors that played a part in this, too.

Many times, the way we choose to react to a situation comes from our understanding of the facts at the time. I need to accept that even when I learn additional facts later that may have changed the way I responded, at the time of the event, I made the best decision I could. And replaying past situations over and over again in my mind won’t help anything.

I need to forgive myself.

Focus on what I’ve learned, no matter how many times it’s taken me to learn it. I need to be patient with myself. Feel what I’m feeling. Instead of pushing it away, hiding it, or rolling my eyes and chalking it up to yet another mistake I made and thinking I’m incapable of change.

But most importantly, I need to remember I am not alone. I am not always to blame. And I need to be kind to myself in order to move forward.

How I embark on this journey of self-discovery is yet to be determined. I feel it needs to, and will, happen on its own. I do know, the time is right.