Evidently my first post on interfaith marriage didn’t cover all the bases. I received many questions via comments, posts and email; therefore, I am going to expand.
Obviously, when I discuss marriage, I am venturing into uncharted waters. I’ve never been married and I probably won’t get married for years. Many of the questions I received, I simply don’t know the answer to. Much of marriage, I think, is trial and error. In fact, much of life in general is trial and error.
So here goes.
I still stand by my theory that it would be easier to marry someone Jewish in order to fulfill my desire to raise my children Jewish and with the same morals and values I was raised with. A couple years ago, I was given a book titled, “Why Marry Jewish?” The book listed some statistics regarding children raised by parents of different religions –
- At most 18 percent of the children of intermarriage are being raised as “Jewish only.” Even this minority celebrate Christmas more than they celebrate Passover.
- 65 percent of children of intermarriage go to church as teens, yet only 19 percent go to synagogue as teens. Only 14 percent had a bar or bat mitzvah.
- 62 percent of the children of intermarriage have a Christmas tree; 81 percent help decorate a Christmas tree and
- 93 percent give and/or receive Christmas presents.
- Only 15 percent of mixed married families belong to a synagogue and only 16% belong to any other Jewish organization.
- 18 percent of the children of intermarriage agree with the statement, “being Jewish is very important to me.” Only 11 percent would be “very upset” if their kids did not regard themselves as Jews.
Yes. It would be easier to raise Jewish children if both my partner and I are Jewish. However, it’s not impossible and I’m not ruling out anyone merely based on their religion.
However, as stated before, raising my children Jewish with the same morals and values as I was raised, is very important to me.
Morals and values vary from person to person, but, I think, the foundation on which these morals are built is religion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that people that aren’t religious don’t have morals or values, I’m just saying that religion has a big role in teaching people the difference between right and wrong from the very beginning while also giving the person “proof” as to why what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong.
I know that these answers seem to be heavily driven by the idea of having children and somewhere along the way I seem to have forgotten about my own beliefs. Yes, it’s incredibly important to discuss with a serious partner the plans for raising children – but it’s also important to consider what is best for the relationship as well. Once people have children, many times, they lose themselves. They become so concerned with their child and making sure they are the epitome of perfection, they forget what they once stood for (not that I would rather have neglectful parents, but you get the idea).
Of course I want my partner to have the same morals and values as me. I think that is crucial in every healthy relationship regardless of religion. There are certain things that shouldn’t be compromised – like your belief of right and wrong or good and bad. These ideals should match when finding a partner and if they do, I believe that can lead to a healthy marriage. Morals are just the beginning. They’re where your beliefs stem from. If there is a fundamental disagreement about morals and values, I’m fairly certain there will be serious disagreements throughout the whole marriage. And who likes fighting?
Bottom line: I’m not narrowing my options and not considering someone merely because they aren’t Jewish. However, there are certain ideals I believe in that I will not compromise. When I meet the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with, it will be clear and we will share these same ideals. Whether they’re Jewish or not.
When I first read the title “Why marry Jewish?” I made the assumption it was a book about reasons why one should marry either another Jewish person or into the Jewish religion. But based on the few points you listed, it sounds to me that it’s more about trying to convince people that it doesn’t matter whether you do marry Jewish or not since, based on those percentages, those kids end up observing the “other” religion and/or beliefs more so than they would their own Jewish heritage. Does that mean that the Jewish parent failed? Not necesssarily (or perhaps not at all.)
This does bring me back to my ex-wife, who happens to have been raised Muslim. I’m not. And a big debate ensued when we first started making our “big” plans. She was adamant about it, I was marrying into the Muslim religion, and our kids would be raised as such. Yet all of her friends were saying “Why bother?” You’re in the US. He’s not Muslim. Your kids are more than likely not going to follow in your foot steps anyway, and (and this was a big plus for me), the two religions CAN and HAVE been intertwined at some point or another in history. (There’s a thing about marrying into the Muslim religion that one must convert to it as well.)
It happens all over the world I’m sure. I do belief that having the same religion might make things easier. However, when it comes to morals, that’s a different thing. Regardless of religion, we all have morals, good or bad. Are my morals tied to my religion? Maybe. I learned good from wrong from my parents and just about everyone else around me while growing up, not only from religion. Those people also learned it from their parents. My kid is learning good from wrong by us talking to her, from her peers, from her teachers. Is she Muslim? She’s never been to a mosque. She’s never participated in anything related to the religion (except food.) Her mother would like to think she is, and in some ways she does apply some of the Muslim beliefs (doesn’t eat pork). But in no way is she anywhere close to what a kid from a true Muslim family would believe or act like.
My point here is that it doesn’t matter (and that’s my opinion.) If both partners have a good head on their shoulders, and agree on the same set of morals, standards and what’s good and wrong, then anything’s possible. Sure there may be points of friction when it comes to religion, but that’s why you talk to one another and resolve them (or at least try.) I’m not saying one should completely give up on their dream and/or desire, but sometimes love will show us the way, instead of us trying to pave it ourselves.
Oh and before anyone asks. She’s my ex-wife, not because of religion. Totally different reasons.
Hey, nice post, really well written. You should post more about this.
any changes coming ?