I read an article courtesy of my beautifully successful friend Jamie that really pissed me off.
Here’s the synopsis: In the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, Lori Gottlieb argues that if a hyper-educated, ambitious woman is still single after age 35, it’s because she’s too picky. According to Gottlieb, these aging go-getters are sans man because they have “unconscious husband-shopping” checklists a mile long. When they were younger, these women rejected men for having red hair or saying the word awesome too much. Now they are paying for their excessive youthful pride: Their marital prospects—and their eggs—have dried up. To avoid this trap, she posits, women in their late 20s and early 30s should settle for the “8,” instead of waiting around for the “10.”
Settle? Settle?
Let me preface this by saying that I have not read the book, however, I have read several reviews that summarize the contents pretty much the same way: women are too picky and should settle for someone that’s good enough instead of holding out for the perfect guy they deserve. To be honest, I’m not sure I could get through the entire book without wanting to throw it out the window.
First of all, I think there is a very small percentage of women who actually stop dating someone because their hair is red or they say the word “awesome” to much. To say that’s the majority of women is outlandish. Of course, a woman who is really seeking out a life partner has standards (or at least they should). I know what I want, I know what I deserve, I know what I’m looking for, and there are certain things I am just not willing to compromise on. Suggesting that I must compromise those things in order to be with someone, anyone, is unfair. I would rather be alone than be with someone that doesn’t offer me what I know I deserve.
Relationships take compromise. I understand that. But you should never compromise so much that you are losing what you rightfully deserve and want. You should never settle. Ever.
Marriage is not a fix for everything. It won’t just automatically make you happy. In fact, if you marry the wrong person, it will inevitably make you incredibly unhappy. Some people are happier not being married at all.
I work in an office mostly comprised of late 20s to early 30s men and women. The majority of the men in our office are married. However, the majority of the women in the office are not. Gottlieb suggests that there is something wrong with a 30-40 year-old woman that is not married. What if you’re doing other things in your life that are making you happy? What if you are happy with your career? Your friends? Your family? Marriage doesn’t make everyone happy and it shouldn’t be assumed to do so. Especially when in involves settling for less in order to achieve this “happiness.”
In my opinion (and Jamie’s as well), when you start to settle in one area of your life, that mentality will expand into other areas. What is that saying about us? That we don’t go for what we want? For what we deserve? We just find some guy that is somewhat nice and say, “ok, that’s fine, you’ll do”? No. You go after what you want and deserve no matter what. In all aspects of your life.
This brings me to another article I read from the New York Times earlier this week (and a conversation I had with a person I used to date). When talking about why our dating never turned into anything more, one of his excuses was that he’s “not compatible with someone who makes their job their life.” Coincidentally enough, I came across this article the day after this conversation. The article expresses how Americans 30 to 44 years old is the first generation in which more women than men have college degrees. Women’s earnings have been increasing faster than men’s since the 1970s. And men are intimidated. They think you’re high-maintenance if you look like you don’t need anyone to take care of you. It’s intimidating for men to interact with smart women who possibly make more money than they do. They feel inferior. It’s a gender role reversal that should have (obviously) never existed in the first place. But, now that it does, women are having a hard time overcoming it. So, what are we supposed to do? Dumb ourselves down? Pretend we’re not smart, driven and capable? I think not. We’ve all worked really hard to turn around the female reputation in the workplace. There’s no turning back now.
I am an incredibly independent person. I am self-sufficient. I am successful. I am happy. Do I think that it’s going to be hard to find a man with the same ideals and goals as I have and that will respect and even appreciate my work ethic? Yes. Will I settle for someone who doesn’t? No.
Just like there’s a difference between “depending on someone” and “connecting with someone” there is a difference between “Settling” and “Compromising.”
In the first example, depending on someone can lead to relying on them for everything while, when you connect with someone, you do it on a deep, intimate level. You are allowed to remain who you are: your beliefs, your hopes and your dreams while also caring about the other person’s hopes, etc.
The same goes for settle and compromise. When you settle, you just put a ceiling on your aims. When you compromise you lower the aims but keep the potential. If you, as a couple, compromise equally, you grow together and have the option to reach all your goals.
It’s just a tweak in perspective but it can change how you view your world and the people in it.
Lauren (or Loren as you are known at starbucks), this message is universal- it’s the same for men as it is for women. Too many people settle. Not just with relationships but with life. Settling’s easy. It’s the cowards way out. Not enough people are willing to take the risk and be single in order to find the person out there who is right for them. I am a 31 year old guy and am happily single. I date and am actively trying to find the woman who is right for me. I will not settle for anything less. I know there are many women out there who fit the profile for me. I am careful not to be picky. Above all else I am respectful and treat others the way I want to be treated.
Be proud that you are a strong and passionate woman, there are men out there (like me) who appreciate and are looking for just that.
You are not kidding too many people settle, They are selling themselves short.
UGH.
Even if my head didn’t already hurt, this would make my head hurt.
The best advice I have EVER received in my entiiire life (and I’ve gotten a.lot.of advice) was to NEVER SETTLE.
That is all.
Lauren,
This is one of the best posts I think you have done. After reading this the first thing I thought was, if you stick to your guns on this you are going to be very very successful in every part of your life. There are men out there that are scared of successful women, and then there are men out there that embrace them. Wait for him, you WILL find him.
I could not agree with everything you just said! To put yet another twist on how this whole concept works, there are women out there who put family above their careers but this does NOT make them any less successful. Yes, I am not 35 and I am married, and I am about to have a baby but the things that make me, me are more so true now than they ever were. They are truer now because I have found that person who supports my want to have a family and be a mom first and foremost. Being a mom and having a family were my priorities and I have found someone who is in the same place in their life that wants the same things, a family. Would I be married to my husband if he wanted to have kids 10 years from now, no and I would not have settled just to be “married”. Women have fought long and hard for the right to have what they want in life, do what they want and dream as big as they can dream and it is not ok to start back peddling and saying that now we need to settle for a husband that is an 8 just because we chose to be successful in our careers. Women and men need to support one another and once that begins to happen all of these taboo stereotypes will fade away, hopefully!
You are an amazing person and you WILL find that guy who supports you for who YOU are and I will not stand bedside you on your wedding day until you find that man, that is my promise to you!
Right on, Lauren! It’s disgusting that this idea actually exists that women are somehow defective if they aren’t married by 35. Hard-working, independent women like ourselves should never be defined by the men in our lives, and we shouldn’t be dragged down by a man that we “settle” for.
I’m so inspired by your success since leaving college. You picked up everything and moved across the country to start a job you love and live independently. You are the reason I decided to just move to Washington, D.C. when I graduate. I really admire that you take so much pride in your work and in yourself. Don’t ever settle for anything less than what you deserve!
Totally and completely agree. Yes, we do have a “biological clock,” but that doesn’t mean women should settle when their time starts ticking. Just freeze up some eggs (if you really want to make babies) and find someone who’s truly right for you 🙂
i love that even just reading reviews of this book has prompted so many varied responses from women! i also wrote a response to it. In case you’re curious, here’s my kind of totally opposite (but still annoyed with Gottlieb) take on it:
http://all-in-the-dance.blogspot.com/2010/02/settling.html
Awsome! Thank you! Well said! I wish all my female friends had standards like us.
Interesting… Just… I dont see ANY contradiction between moving ahead (which you probably mean by not-settling) and dating a good-enough husband (never read the book, but i think i guess what it was meant). To explain this i would better move to the innovation area, start-ups and so on. They usually have very ambitious goals (as a company). Starting from zero, aiming for getting the market share, competing with big stable companies.. I would never call these people afraid or settled. 😉
But. They have this thing – perform the task good enough to proceed. Marketing, this meeting, product development – everything could be done perfectly in the imaginary ideal world. But we live in the real world, where you have few people in the startup, a lot of working duties, and too much competirtors. If one will start concentrate on one single thing too much, his company will sink very quickly. Balancing, performing one task enough well, switching to next, and again the same.
What does it mean “good enough”? It has a meaning actually. There is usually a big goal, and each task is a brick in the big wall of a goal. Before making each task usually there is clear what will be the next step. So the ‘good enough’ is just to make enough well to move on to the next task.
I have to interview the customers about our system. They give a lot of complaints. I choose three most common, and fix that. There will still be bugs in the system, but for majority of customers it will be ok. If i will try to fix ALL bugs, it will take years, and my company will get bankrupt. Perfectionism leads to the death very soon.
If i will try to concentrate on one thing i will probably not die. But i will be stuck. Its funny thing – if you value moving ahead too much, you will be stuck. The marriage is not a final goal, it is just a one step. Next step is having children, then raising them, then having grandchildren, then accepting the death… Thats a challenges, thats a real moving ahead. And if to spend too much time for searching husband, there may be no time left for some more interesting things later in life.
Of course, i dont say to marry the first guy in a bar. Its the same thing as wating for the prince with the white horse, its far from balance. At the end, its all about a balance – not too early, not too late, just at the right time. This is real challenge of this life – to guess a right moment, but not endless running ahead.
Enjoy never getting married having kids and being a genetic dead end. Rich women don’t get married because they don’t want a man who earns less than them and men don’t want to earn less than their wife.
Well, that’s awfully pessimistic of you. I actually disagree, completely. I believe that you can have it all if you’re selective and living with intention. Just my two cents, though. Everyone’s entitled!
an old (60) ladies 2 cents
…for better…for worse….but never for granted
my motto of all aspects for happy relationships.
A lot of women are scared of never getting married because they’re afraid of what’s on the other side. My great uncle was killed in a train accident, they never had kids, and his wife, who was in her 40s, never remarried. My cousin married a man who turned out to be a schizophrenic, and then her second husband dumped her with a note left on the kitchen. He reappeared a year later after his girlfriend dumped him and she took him back because they had four kids. My grandmother’s best friend never married, but had a great career and a lovely man in her life in her later years.
I don’t think married or single women are any happier. And some people are better off single. And everyone is better off single than unhappily married.